My mom has been admitted to the hospital with chest pain. The Monday morning icing on a crappy weekend.

That's all for now

I'm incredibly frustrated with my life. I'm incredibly frustrated with some people in my life. I don't want to air my dirty laundry on here, but I can't think or write about anything else, so I've decided to stop writing until I can work through this. Think of it as a mental health break.

Home Sweet Home

I'm back. I haven't felt like writing, though. I think it's post vacation fatigue. Wyoming was beautiful and peaceful and then I had to come back here. Back to the dorms and my library in the basement. Back to the idiot boss and imbecilic politics. Yeah, I'm feeling cheery. I think I'll leave it at that for now.
I registered for an account with photobucket.com that posted the previous photo for me. The advantage of working with people younger with me is that they teach me tricks like that! The photo won't stay up long, but I wanted to share.

Hide and go seek

I've been neglecting my blog lately. It's been a bit crazy in my world and I've just not taken the time to sit down and write. I'm singing in a wedding tomorrow. I've been freaking out over it, but I sang it during the rehearsal today and although I know I'm singing in the wrong key, everyone else said it sounded okay. I realized in the midst of a panic attack that no one is even going to remember the song by the reception, so there really isn't anything to worry about. I'll try to keep that in mind when I can't sleep tonite. :)
Next week at this time I'll be on vacation, so the blog neglect will continue for a while longer, I'm afraid, but I hope to learn how to post pictures so I can chronicle my trip to the wild west! I might manage one more post before I leave.

not so late review

-sorry Critic, I had to use it.

I am a big fan of books. I don't read as much as I'd like, but I always have a book handy. Unfortunately, I am not the best person to ask when it comes to book reviews or critiques. I'll leave that to the professionals, or at least the adept amateurs. So, when I saw the book review for the title I'm currently reading I thought it divine intervention. I've been trying to think about what I wanted to say in relation to what I've been reading, but now I don't have to say anything except check out the review here. It's probably more verbose than it needs to be, but it's a decent review of what I've read, so far anyway. I have a few half-formed thoughts bouncing around in response to the book. Maybe I'll be able to formulate something substantial over the weekend.

autopathography

she has a beautiful soul
underneath the wool and burlap
but she hides in her mud hut
afraid others will see
the patina on her halo

"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause"

-Star Wars Episode III

I don't normally like to bore you with politics, but something strange is afoot in the US Congress, and it quite frightens me. If this disturbs you as well, please sign the petition.

For those of you who read this post yesterday, you will notice that I erased the whole moveon.org part, mostly just because it was too long and partly because it seems Congress came to an agreement, although it all still sounds a little sketchy to me. You can find the story here.

dazed and confuzzled

I went to see Star Wars tonite. My student workers took me out. It was fun making jokes about the people who dressed up, although two of my boys brought light sabers with them! The movie itself was a bit of a disappointment. Honestly all three of them have been. I'm a heretic for saying that I know, but I think they could've just made one movie to tell the same story much more convincingly. Maybe I'm biased, I'm old enough to remember the original Star Wars when it first came out. I was 6 and we saw it at the drive-in. These new one's just aren't the same to me.

I was in such a strange mood today. Going out tonite has helped, but I was all depressed and gloomy today. I'm not entirely sure why. Last night was such a good night. I went to Temple and actually enjoyed the service for the first time in a while. At one point today, I thought about going into detail about the service. But then I realized that there is only one other Jew I know of who reads this, so me talking about the connection I made with the matriarchs while chanting the Avot and G'vurot will mean nothing to the rest of you. I will just say it was a good service and I left feeling revitalized. And then I did what every good Jew should do.

I went to a bar! I went to Canal Street to see Shrug and Mona. There was even a third performer last night. A guy named Steven Gullett. I'd never seen him play before, but I really enjoyed his set. He sang a song called "Indie Rock Love". It was hilarious. I wanted to buy his cd just so I could send that song to my friend resident jason, because it reminded me of him - especially the line "they like bands from Chicago that can't sing". Screeching Weasel, anyone? hehe. Then Mona played. I really like Mona. They are incredibly talented and versatile. I highly recommend going to their site and checking out the sound clips. By the time Shrug took the stage I was exhausted. It had been a long week, and being out late on friday night is always a challenge for me, but it was worth it! Shrug is such a great band. The only thing I don't like about going to their shows is being stranded in the land of Abercrombie. I am so not their typical crowd! But I subject my punk rock/hippie self to the pretentiousness of their fans because the shows are just so awesome! (If any of you typical Shrug fans are reading this, I mean no offense. It's just a thirty-something woman complaining about "those damn kids". Pay me no mind.) Again, go to their website and check out their music downloads.

If you're wondering about the title, supposedly someone held a contest to put new words in the dictionary and confuzzled was one of the winners. It means confused and puzzled. Lame, I know, but it works for me.

This is not really a poem. It's not even a complete thought, but it's something I'm playing around with and wanted to post.

You've given me no reason
to trust, nothing to love,
no reason to feel worthy.
I know it's not your job to
make me feel worthwhile,
but isn't it only fair
that the gender that destroyed
my faith in man restore
my faith in myself?

"That's the sound of your brain cracking"

-Tracy Bonham

One thing I've noticed since starting on the anti-depressants is my abuse of the English language. Not so much abuse, I guess, as overuse. I've been babbling. Profusely. I don't shut up. I don't say anything worthwhile. It's the whole Bridget Jones verbal diarrhea syndrome. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I'm developing ADHD or something. Anyway, I'm telling you all this because my last couple posts seem to be exhibiting some of that babbling quality. I edited today's (earlier) post so it makes a little more sense. I think I'm going to start saving the posts as drafts and only publish them when I've had some time to edit. I do apologize for the rambling. I hope this clears up at some point and I can find some kind of happy medium between being the shy mute I was before and the babbling idiot I have become.

In a completely unrelated story, I keep having dreams about Bruce Campbell, so I checked out his website from kaddish and found that he is touring with his new book Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way and will be in Dayton! Cool authors, especially authors that are also actors (albeit a B movie actor), almost never come to Dayton. I am so there!

"A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend"

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I must be feeling better, because I'm contemplating going back to school-again. About January I decided I'd just spend my life as one of the uneducated masses and try to make the best of it. I didn't have the energy, motivation or desire to subject myself to the stress of a full time job, classes, homework and my Temple extracurriculars. But now I'm thinking I might actually be up for it. I had, at one point, thought about becoming a make-up artist, and that's not totally out of the picture yet, but part of me wants to go finish my bachelors and get it over with. So then the question becomes, what do I study? I keep getting suggestions from the people I work with. What I am hearing the most is that I should study English. This rather amuses me because, for as much as I like to write, English is the one subject I feel the least confident in. Maybe that's because my best friend is an English teacher and her husband has his master's in creative writing, not to mention my own mother's unfulfilled dreams of studying American Literature. That's just too much to live up to. One of the librarians suggested today that I go into business writing, but I ask you, if you enjoy writing for the creative outlet, how happy would you be writing up contracts all day long? I suppose I'd still be happier than checking books in and out to college students who can't find their own books. So, now I have to decide what to do with my life. I should probably start by filling out my financial aid application to see if I even qualify. I'm thinking I'm going back to University of Dayton, but it's private and expensive. The public university here sucks and still costs too much, so I might as well get a decent education if I'm going to have to take out more loans. I had thought about a Canadian university, but I don't know how I'd live and I should probably stay in the land of free rent for as long as possible. Any suggestions from out in cyber space?

Home is where the homies are

The title is a misunderstanding of something a 2-year-old said to me this weekend, but I like it, so I'm using it.

So much has happened the past few days, and of course it only happens when I'm away from my computer for days on end. Oh well, it gives me time to ponder what is actually worth saying and what only seemed important at the time. Let's start with the staff meeting at work last Thursday. We periodically have little staff meetings in the library so the director feels like she's keeping us informed without ever actually telling us anything worthwhile. This meeting was about the mandate to merge the college library with the hospital library. This has been in the works for years and although we all know it's ridiculous, the hospital administration (who also oversees the college) can't seem to understand we don't do the same things. So after we discussed what's happening in that arena, which is to say, she told us we're merging but doesn't know when or how, she then decides we need to work on a strategic plan and vision and mission statements. Well, one of the librarians, who is already fed up with this woman, went off! She's starts talking about how we can't make strategic plans when we don't know what anything is going to look like after the merger, blah, blah, blah. I mean, they were all good points, but the more she talked, the angrier she got, and the louder she got. If it we're a physical battle it would've been a bloodbath, as it was, the director just stared straight ahead like she couldn't believe what just happened. Everyone else was kinda in shock as well, but I was just sitting there thinking, "what the hell am I doing here?" It is so time for me to get out of that place. I just don't care what happens anymore. I stay for my students, not out of any loyalty or desire to do the job. For the nerdy little bookworm I am, I really don't enjoy working in the library!

Fortunately, I got to leave early Thursday for a conference, so I didn't have to deal with the aftermath of that meeting. The conference went well, which is good since I was on the committee that planned it. After that, I headed to Cleveland to visit my best friend and her family. On the way, I got a speeding ticket for doing 78 in a 60! I can't even get angry about it since I usually drive 85 the whole way, and for as many times as I've made that 3 hour drive between Dayton and Cleveland, this is the first time I've been caught, so I say I earned all $143 of that ticket!

The visit went well, although I was a bit tired and cranky. It's so weird to me that I have friends with children. I still don't feel like I'm old enough to be left on my own, much less entrusted with another life, but it's really cool to watch this little girl grow up. And she likes me, which makes it that much cooler! :) I only hope my child will be as beautiful and intelligent, because I know the comparisons will be there when the time comes! The best part of the visit, besides seeing my best friend and having a child climb all over me for 2 days straight, was the birthday presents! My friend and I have this tradition that as long as a birthday gift is given in the correct year, then the timing doesn't really matter. It's worked for us, and I rather like it, because long after I've forgotten about my birthday, I get presents! Yep, it's all about me! Anyway, I got a stuffed white tiger from the baby. I've been sleeping with it, which is weird since I don't think I ever slept with a stuffed animal. I also got Saved on DVD. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it! And, I got a Mountain Goats CD. I've never listened to the Mountain Goats before this weekend, and I have to say, I'm liking the music. So, all in all, a very good visit, despite the screaming child in the planetarium!

Yeah, so this isn't the most exciting post ever, but these are the things that are important to me. My job, which I seriously need to reconsider, my friends, and now I'm back home where my kids are. So they're all adults and have parents of their own, but to me they've become family. They are my homies, and home is where the homies are.

Experiments in poetry

Letting go of what I never
had a hold of. It's funny
how obsession can distort
the mind. I actually believed
if I waited long enough,
held on tight enough that you

would be mine. I just wanted
someone to call my own, something
to call home. I don't know why
everyone thinks I'm so happy
on my own. I'm independent
and self-sufficient, but not

meant to be alone. Until you,
I've never met a real man.
A man's man. Until you, I
never thought I'd find that
attractive. But I didn't
realize the benefits

of that mentality. You
want to take care of those you
love. I want to be taken
care of, but it doesn't have
to be you. That's what I
finally understand.

You taught me what I needed
in a man, showed me what was
missing, pointed me in the
direction to find what
is right for me. Now I need
to let you go so you can

find what is right for you.

Another late night post

I wrote a nice long post filled with ramblings about my new life on anti-depressants, and for some reason blogger didn't like it, so it didn't post. Now I have to decide if I want to recreate it or just tell you that you would have been fascinated and now you've been robbed of the privilege of reading what amounted to me babbling about shopping and talking too much. I'm sure there was something worthwhile in the post and maybe I'll share that part at a later date, but for now just know that blogger is not always kind.

I should leave you with something, so I will recommend a book. I am currently reading a book called Hello to All That by John Falk. It his biography of his battle with depression. It's really quite interesting, but a bit choppy. The book switches between the past and the present, but the transitions are not smooth to say the least. Still, if you're interested in learning more about the personal aspects of depression, this is a good book to read.

I'm too tired to be allowed to post

So, I checked my handy dandy little counter that told me more people visited my site in the last 24 hours than in the past week, but you can't tell by looking at the comments. Is the stuff I write that uninspiring people don't have any response to it? If so, then maybe I should try being more controversial. I could start sharing my political views or my environmental activism. I could just make up stories that would get people thinking, or piss them off. Then do you think I'd get some comments? I'm not asking for much. Just a "hey, I was here" or "your blog sucks". Something so I know when the counter says 15 people hit my blog today that they didn't just read the headline and move on. I guess I can't complain too much. At least I have Laurie to converse with via the comments on each of our blogs. But, come on people, just leave a message. It doesn't hurt. I promise.

All we need is some ice cream and a hug - Bowling for Soup

I guess I owe you all an explanation for the last post. My cat was killed on Saturday. He liked to go outside, and as much as we would prefer he didn't, we never actually won that argument. So he would go out onto the patio, jump the fence and go see the world. Well, Saturday he never returned from his jaunt into the wild and when my mom found him, he was already gone. He had been attacked by a bigger animal. We took him to a vet clinic that will bury him in the local pet cemetery. I'm a little amused by the whole pet cemetery thing, but glad my cat won't be buried in the flower bed of my mom's apartment and left behind when she moves.
I got him in Muncie. He was born on my 21st birthday, which I always thought was kinda cool. He lived with me for a few years, but when we discovered I was allergic to cats, he moved in with my mom. I still claimed him as my own, but he was really her cat and she spoiled him rotten. He was 13, which is a respectable age for a cat, and he had a good life, so I'm okay. Although, I don't like that he was murdered my some homicidal animal!
As silly and as melodramatic as it sounds, he really was the love of my life. I'm going to miss him greatly!

Eliot a.k.a. Lor the Alien Eyeball Licker - R.I.P.

My baby died tonite
the love of my life
he was the son I didn't bear
He was my world
He brought light in the darkness
joy in despair
he was my beautiful boy
my first child
my first love
my first reason for being alive
the world is so ugly now
everything is so silent
rest in peace my sweet boy
in the arms of Bastet

Pieces

I started reading Tori Amos' biography, Piece by Piece, today. I'm a huge fan of hers, although I haven't always liked her music (take from the choirgirl hotel, for example). She is one of those rare musicians who is also an artist. Her music challenges me. It makes me think, it makes me feel and it makes me re-evaluate my worldview. The book is doing the same thing. She has such an interesting take on the world and herself. She's in touch with a spirituality that just freaks out the average Bible Belt bred American. But that's what intrigues me about her, the way she weaves myth, magic and the mundane world along with her own experiences and turns it into music. She is definitely an inspiration. An inspiration spiritually, musically and in my relationship with myself. It takes alot of honesty and courage to be who you are in the face of societal norms, social expectations and cultural assimilation. It takes strength of character to be who you are, even when it means being rejected by others.
That's as good a place as any to stop this rant. In the course of reading and thinking about what I was reading, I wrote a poem that I would like to share. It's not titled yet.

I'm just a woman
symbolism is not my strength
my words spill forth
full of meaning but without disguise

there are so many words
locked up inside my head
where there are too many
places to hide

when the words finally flow
they do so with simplicity
no allegory or metaphor
just a girl speaking plainly

I try to be clever
when it comes to love
I try to be obscure
when the words are written for you

but in the end
there is only truth
and those words
aren't ready yet

Email v. IQ

The Fabulous Johnson Brothers

For the first time this week I can't sleep. I was just starting to get used to my brain not being in hyperdrive and now it's back. I hope just temporarily. It's been a strange week. The anti-anxiety has made me tired all week (except for tonite, unfortunately), but calmer. A few people at work have commented that I'm less grumpy, and I'm starting to act goofy. I chased one of my students around the work room yesterday trying to tape an "I love library boys" sign on his back and tonite I pushed a book off the shelf onto another library boy. This was normal behavior for me when I was younger, but I'm supposed to be too adult to act like that now, so I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I'm letting myself have a little fun, or if I'm just getting carried away. See what I mean about the overactive mind? Otherwise, life is normal, or should I say boring.

I have a friend who is being shipped out to the United Arab Emirates tomorrow. I'm very worried about her being over there. Although she's not technically in the war zone, it's still not safe over there, especially for women. I have to admit that I admire her for her decision to join the military, since she enlisted at the age of 32. I don't agree with this war and I strongly believe we need to get out of the middle east as quickly as possible, but I have a greater respect for the people who put their lives on the line for what they believe in.

I added a new band link The Fabulous Johnson Brothers. I went to high school with these guys. I was there when the idea for a band formed in their collective consciousness before any of them could even play an instrument. I stumbled across the website the other night and was so excited I wanted to share it with anyone who will listen (or read).

I think I'm going to try this sleep thing again. Good night.