Tuesday, April 26, 2005


I started reading Tori Amos' biography, Piece by Piece, today. I'm a huge fan of hers, although I haven't always liked her music (take from the choirgirl hotel, for example). She is one of those rare musicians who is also an artist. Her music challenges me. It makes me think, it makes me feel and it makes me re-evaluate my worldview. The book is doing the same thing. She has such an interesting take on the world and herself. She's in touch with a spirituality that just freaks out the average Bible Belt bred American. But that's what intrigues me about her, the way she weaves myth, magic and the mundane world along with her own experiences and turns it into music. She is definitely an inspiration. An inspiration spiritually, musically and in my relationship with myself. It takes alot of honesty and courage to be who you are in the face of societal norms, social expectations and cultural assimilation. It takes strength of character to be who you are, even when it means being rejected by others.
That's as good a place as any to stop this rant. In the course of reading and thinking about what I was reading, I wrote a poem that I would like to share. It's not titled yet.

I'm just a woman
symbolism is not my strength
my words spill forth
full of meaning but without disguise

there are so many words
locked up inside my head
where there are too many
places to hide

when the words finally flow
they do so with simplicity
no allegory or metaphor
just a girl speaking plainly

I try to be clever
when it comes to love
I try to be obscure
when the words are written for you

but in the end
there is only truth
and those words
aren't ready yet

Email v. IQ

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The Fabulous Johnson Brothers

For the first time this week I can't sleep. I was just starting to get used to my brain not being in hyperdrive and now it's back. I hope just temporarily. It's been a strange week. The anti-anxiety has made me tired all week (except for tonite, unfortunately), but calmer. A few people at work have commented that I'm less grumpy, and I'm starting to act goofy. I chased one of my students around the work room yesterday trying to tape an "I love library boys" sign on his back and tonite I pushed a book off the shelf onto another library boy. This was normal behavior for me when I was younger, but I'm supposed to be too adult to act like that now, so I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I'm letting myself have a little fun, or if I'm just getting carried away. See what I mean about the overactive mind? Otherwise, life is normal, or should I say boring.

I have a friend who is being shipped out to the United Arab Emirates tomorrow. I'm very worried about her being over there. Although she's not technically in the war zone, it's still not safe over there, especially for women. I have to admit that I admire her for her decision to join the military, since she enlisted at the age of 32. I don't agree with this war and I strongly believe we need to get out of the middle east as quickly as possible, but I have a greater respect for the people who put their lives on the line for what they believe in.

I added a new band link The Fabulous Johnson Brothers. I went to high school with these guys. I was there when the idea for a band formed in their collective consciousness before any of them could even play an instrument. I stumbled across the website the other night and was so excited I wanted to share it with anyone who will listen (or read).

I think I'm going to try this sleep thing again. Good night.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

To medicate or not to medicate

Another Saturday night spent alone in my apartment. I could be out seeing Shrug again, but I'm not really in the mood. I spent most of the day asleep, which is a nice change. Now I'm enjoying a little computer time while listening to the ipod. I've loaded most of my favorites and have only used 1GB. I feel like I've fallen behind in my music collecting. Right now my new favorite is Bowling for Soup. It's just a fun CD. It makes me smile. I also bought The Killers. Some of the CD reminds me of Morrissey, who I hate with a passion, so to admit that I like the CD is huge for me. I especially like "Mr. Brightside", which I know is played on the radio too much, but I like it anyway!

Okay, for the way too personal stuff that probably shouldn't be posted for the whole world to see...I went to a psychiatrist yesterday because I haven't been sleeping well. It was an interesting experience. I basically had to recite my life history, answer a bunch of questions about the family's health and then he told me I had major depression and prescribed an anti-depressant with an anti-anxiety pill. I told my best friend about this today, and her reaction was "I don't know what I think about this." That's pretty much how I reacted when the Dr. handed me the prescription. There are many arguments and actual scientific proof in favor of anti-depressants, but I see so many people who take the medicine thinking it will fix all their problems without taking any responsibility for their lives. I don't want to be one of those people. I also don't want to be one of those people who loses all her friends because she's become such a depressing bore. So, I've joined the pill-popping generation. The anti-anxiety pills take effect immediately, so it's been strange today to actually feel relaxed and not worried about everything. I'm not even obsessing over my boy, well not much anyway. It's a strange feeling. It will take a couple weeks for the anti-depressant to take effect. I wonder if you will see a difference on the blog. It will be interesting.

Okay, time to find more music to load onto the ipod.

I am 30% Punk Rock.
Not Quite Punk.
Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Beware of glass

I am the poster child for sleep deprivation. If you need proof, read some of the stuff I have written on here. If that's not enough for you, take into consideration the 9 stitches I got friday evening after cutting myself doing dishes. I had my hand inside a glass when it broke and attacked my hand. I knew the glass had a chip in it, but I really didn't expect it to break. Had I not been so tired, I might've thought through the process more, but you know what they say about hindsight. So instead of spending the weekend with friends, I got to lay around with my hand propped up. I suppose it's not an awful way to spend the weekend, and I got an extra day off work. It's not all bad, I guess.
I love my new computer, but I don't have a computer desk and lying on the floor typing is not the most comfortable thing, so I think I'm done for now. (boy, all you English majors out there much be cringing after that run-on!)

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

"Forget safety./ Live where you fear to live./ Destroy your reputation./ Be notorious./ I have tried prudent planning/ long enough./ From now/ on, I'll be mad." - Rumi

And in my madness, I bought an ipod. On a whim. Yes, I've been thinking about it. Did some research on it, but in the end I got the crazy need for an ipod yesterday so I ran to Best Buy and bought one. Not only that, but the silly people at Best Buy extended me enough credit (interest-free) to buy myself a new computer. So, I think I'm going back this week to get a PC of my very own. This has turned out to be a very expensive birthday!

Okay, maybe that isn't really what Rumi meant. But it's as close as I've been to spontaneous in a long time. What would life be like if we could really live like that? Forget societal norms. Forget others expectations. Just be crazy, be yourself. Live life by your whims, not your well thought out and documented plans. If I were to live like that this moment, I would tell the boy I have a crush on how I feel and then drive to Nashville for the weekend (with or without the boy depending on his reaction). But I can't do those things because I don't want to know how the boy feels about me, because I fully expect it is not to be what I feel for him, and I already have plans for the weekend. Rumi would be so disappointed.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Bon anniversaire

I've always been a big fan of my birthday and getting older doesn't seem to be dulling the enthusiasm any. It's been a pretty good birthday so far. Wednesday night I had dinner with the old roomies. Last night two of my student workers gave me an original, one-of-a-kind Library Boys cd that they recorded on their computer. It's great! It's so funny, but they are actually quite talented. If I could figure out how to attach a sound clip to my blog, I'd share some of it. It's the best birthday present I think I've ever gotten. The celebration continues through the weekend. Happy birthday to me!