babble

I saw Neil Gaiman at the Cleveland Public Library yesterday with The Critic, The Wife and TLC. I'm mildly in love now! I described the day to my friends at work, which prompted one of them to say, "you should have slipped him your number". I replied, "are you kidding? I don't want to be killed by his girlfriend!" Since none of them knew who I was referring to, I pulled up a photo of her. My coworker, who has a low tolerance for "alternative culture" said, "he's dating her and no one's dating you?!" It is a mystery... And I feel loved!

getting ahead of myself

I had a truly frightening thought while I was delirious on codeine cough syrup - I'm going to be 40 in 19 months. 40! 30 didn't bother me. I was almost relieved to reach my 30s, but 40 is a different story. At least I still look 25 :)

Anyway...part of my midlife crisis was the decision to go to grad school regardless of location or funding (the regardless of funding part is pure delusion - funding is a huge issue!). Right now the contenders are: University of Wisconsin, University of Manchester, UK and University of Sydney, Australia. U of Wisc has one of the leaders in the field, if not THE leader in the US, for what I want to study - Enlightenment v. Nazi views of Jews as citizens - so that's my #1 pick for now, but studying European history in Europe would be cool. I was surprised that Australia would even have a Jewish Studies program since there aren't many Jews there, but who am I to complain? I think I need to visit the school!

Also an issue in my freakout was the looming loneliness of being single, but I have accepted my life as a spinster (or whatever the proper term would be for the modern era). I plan to enjoy the single life by seeing the world and having experiences I wouldn't be able to have if I was tied down to a family. Hopefully this will quiet the biological clock and repress the envy I have of my friends with families. And maybe I can even make them envious of me :)

Ok, midlife crisis post over.

filler

I had planned to blog tonight, but I feel like crap.  I spent the weekend at my mom's with her cats. Have I mentioned I'm allergic to cats?  Very allergic!  It's not enough she went to Jackson without me, she had to try to kill me with cat dander!  Anyway...look forward to a post later this week. I'm hoping that if I publicly declare that I'm going to post something this week, I'll actually do it. Who wants to take bets?

hello

Is anyone still out there?

The summer is over, and I accomplished very little on my to do list. Now I'm accomplishing very little class work, but at least I'm consistent! This semester marks my 20th year as an undergrad. I'm so ready to be finished with this damn degree! Only 2 more semesters after this!

Okay, that's all for now. Time to order CDs for the library.

2 weeks in a row

Thanks for putting up with my ranting last week. I was just so frustrated with ignorant people, who have no opinions of their own, parroting the party line. I'll let it go. For now.

This week's news: My brother plans to propose to his girlfriend this weekend! I'm very happy for him. But of course the "oh woe is me, I'm doomed to be a spinster" mentality will probably creep in soon, especially since he is younger than me. Whatever. I'm good at being a spinster, and anyway, all the decent men are gay! So, I'll remain happy that at least one of us will be married. And, the wedding will be held in Jackson, so I get to go back to paradise for the festivities. (Yes, Jackson, WY is my idea of paradise. I prefer the mountains to the beach.)

I wrote this last Friday, but wanted to wait until the families were informed before I posted anything. Since then my brother has proposed and is now engaged. The wedding should be sometime next summer. Congrats baby brother!

pundit for a day

I'm getting very tired of the Obama bashing! Especially when it's coming from former Obama supporters! The man told us during his entire campaign that he was a different kind of politician. That's why we voted for him. We were all screaming for change, but we know how well some people handle change. I'm not surprised the right is acting the way it is, although the outcry is far more violent than I expected. I'd like to use this post to address some of the attacks launched at President Obama in the past weeks. I don't normally talk politics, mostly because I don't know what I'm talking about, but since people far more ignorant than me are out their spreading their idiocy, I thought I'd chime in with my 2 cents.

1. If affordable health care coverage for all Americans means socialism, then call me a socialist! We are one of the most advanced countries in the world, if no longer one of the richest. Why do we feel we don't need to take care of each other. I hate to point this out, but we can't all have great jobs with great benefits. We live in a consumer society, so we need people to work in the customer service industry. An industry that can't, or won't, pay it's employees a livable wage and does not offer health benefits. I'm sorry, but if you want to keep eating at your fancy restaurants, then let the servers and the cooks have decent health care so you don't get sick from the food they are serving you! For a supposedly "Christian" nation, we are populated with some of the most self-absorbed people on the planet!

2. Somehow, Obama's presidency has turned into a Jewish problem. The nutjob white supremacists who cheered for von Brunn claim that Obama is just a puppet for the Jews. This is amusing if you heard the Jewish outcry over Obama's speech in Cairo. I don't know or understand how we Jews became an issue, but I have to admit it scares me more than just a little bit.

3. Israel/Palestine Obama's speech in Cairo raised hackles in the Jewish community. I don't disagree with much the President said, but I do take issue that Israel and the Palestinians are the only parties at play in this problem. I think the other countries in the Middle East need to step in and take some responsibility. You know, all those countries who refused to take in the Palestinians when the UN made Israel a Jewish state.

This is just a start. However, my break is over and I need to get back to work. Feel free to discuss, debate and disagree with me. Until next time...

goals for the summer

Now that I am officially done with the semester (okay, not quite, I have a paper to write that I cannot seem to produce), I can start thinking about putting my life back together. Therefore, I publicly declare my goals for the summer:

1. clean my apartment - I got used to having a clean apartment when I had a roommate (I also got used to her doing the cleaning). When she moved out, I tried to keep up with it, and did for a few weeks. However, now the place is a complete disaster! Not only do I need to clean, I need to purge tons of stuff I've hoarded for years. My neighbors won't like me much as I single handedly fill the dumpster, but I will feel accomplished and unburdened!

2. clean my car - just as my apartment has spiraled into chaos, so has my car. Unlike my apartment, I should be able to take care of this in a single weekend (note the use of the word "should").

3. READ - I think I only read one book on my summer reading list last year. I underestimated the amount of time I'd spend working on Spanish. I am not taking classes this summer, and my second job allows me to read on the clock, so I have no excuses! I already have 5 books lined up (3 of which are YA novels). If you have any recommendations, please share!

4. blog - I think a post a week is a realistic goal for blogging. There's no point keeping this thing up if I don't write on it.

5. sleep - I have my second sleep study tonight. This is the one where they hook me up to the CPAP and calibrate it to my needs. I get to take the machine home with me in the morning and I will supposedly get restful sleep from now on. I honestly don't know what that means, or what to expect from this process; but if I can have a functioning brain again, I'll consider this whole thing a success.

So there you have it. My goals for the summer. As I accomplish one, I might add another, but let's not get carried away. I want to enjoy the break.

another question

How can a musician be a bad dancer?  There was a horn player in the band this weekend who was one of the most awkward dancers I've ever seen!  

question

Why do some gay men feel the urge to make out with women when they're drunk?  Conversely, why do drunk women hit on openly gay men when they're drunk.  Do different rules apply to sexual orientation when alcohol is involved?  Okay, so I asked more than one question.

update

I'm back at the drive-in after a 6 month hiatus.  I've stepped back into it like I've never been away. Not that it's really all that challenging, but still...

Tonight we're showing Monsters vs. Aliens.  Since I'll hear more than I'll see, I won't be able to give any kind of review.  

Okay, not enlightening, but it's a post.  I get to take my break now. 

lookee here, a blog!  my blog, you say?  I have a blog?  I don't remember.  hmm...  maybe I should write something.

I'm getting a passport for my birthday.  Before the harassment starts, yes this is my first passport.  Lame, I know, but better late than never.  There are no specific travel plans in the works (although we're making something up for the application), but I think the first trip will be to the British Isles.  Mother doesn't want to go any place she doesn't speak the language.  Baby steps.  Last year, she didn't want to leave the continent.  Retirement is doing wonders for her wanderlust! 

Now that I know I'll have a passport, I'm trying to figure out how to attend a two week workshop in Lithuania.  I've had more than one person tell me that I don't want to travel to a former Soviet Bloc country, but I really want to attend this workshop!  My attempts to find a sponsor on facebook have failed miserably, so since the workshop would fit into my Jewish Studies minor, I'm going to look into educational funding.  I don't really expect to go, but planning for it has been a nice diversion from life.

That's all for now. 

Day 1

I bought a new journal over the weekend.  Anyone want to place bets on how long I'll actually write in it before I forget or give up or both?  

The short story hasn't gotten past the second sentence.  Mostly because I don't have time for frivolous pursuits such as writing.  I'm immersed in Polybius, Plutarch and Livy.  Somewhere in there I find time for Spanish as well.  Oh, and my job.  

Speaking of the job, the layoff notices go out this week.  Keep your fingers crossed that neither I nor any of my colleagues and friends receive a letter.

the bitch

I finally had enough and asked my roommate to move out last night. The final straw was my winged Nike sitting on my dining room table with a missing wing. Actually the final straw was her referring to my winged Nike as an angel. I've decided that I can't handle living with a 20 year old. I think even when the 20 year old is my own flesh and blood I won't want to live with her/him. I feel like a bitch, but this is necessary for my sanity.

experiment #3

I sometimes forget

when the moon is new

that the light will return

but it is only in 

the darkeness that

we can see the truths

we hide from ourselves

experiment #2

Golden sparrows on the green grass

ornaments on the lawn

I step outside for a better look

but all the sparrows are gone

note to a non-valentine

I am learning to be content with the friendship we share, but that won't keep me from hoping for more.

advice

E: "Can you explain men to me?

B: "Of course.  I know all"

E: "Please share your knowledge, master"

B: "The secret of men is simple:  women are retarded"

E: "Gee, thanks.  That was helpful"

what I would like to say

"You're absolutely insane, which is fine.  It works for you.  But I'm still trying to figure out how to keep up."

experiment #1

There is no fear 

in your touch

no excitement either

I feel only comfort

when you are near me

I'm feeling the urge to scrap this blog and start over.  Must resist.  Maybe if I start writing something worthwhile, I won't feel the need to delete everything.

I do not understand

Why are guys not interested in girls who show interest in them?  It's only when I decided that he's not worth my time that he wants to talk to me.  I don't get it at all!

here it is

My year in review:

This post has been bubbling in my brain for weeks.  I really did intend to write it on my one year anniversary, but this crazy Ohio weather has had me feeling less than spectacular.  Let's see if I can remember what I wanted to say.

First, I have no regrets!  Regardless of what people might think of bariatric surgery, I am happy I did this.  Although I'm not where I want to be yet, I feel infinitely better than I did just a mere year ago.  I can move.  I can walk.  I can breathe while I'm moving and walking!  I can do yoga and kickboxing (which I was supposed to begin tonight, but now have to work late).  Even my voice lessons have gotten easier because I can breathe so much better.  I have dropped 7 pant sizes, gone from a 7 1/2 WW shoe to a 7 M (one of my motivators for the surgery was my big fat feet.  Not only because I couldn't find shoes wide enough, but also because I couldn't reach them!).  Shopping is starting to get fun!  Now if only I had the pocketbook to keep up with the wardrobe changes! From a physical standpoint this has been one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Now, from an emotional standpoint, it's not so easy.  When researching the surgery, I read all about the emotional fallout.  People (like me) who are emotional eaters have to find new ways to deal with their emotions.  I didn't really have a problem until I reached the 100 lb mark.  For months, I've been trying to figure out what was happening.  Last week, I had an epiphany.  I have been overweight since high school.  I've always been the fat one.  So much so, that it started to define who I was.  After losing weight, that definition had to change, but to what?  I have spent so much of my life thinking of myself in terms of my weight that I never stopped to think of any of my other qualities.  I am now at a place where I need to redefine myself in a positive way, which is terribly difficult for someone who has focused on the negative for such a long time.  

There I go being depressing again...Like I said, I have no regrets!  I am a stronger person both physically and emotionally (despite the recent insight).  And I'm really looking forward to reaching goal!

remember

I stole this from eggface.  I added a comment or two of my own when necessary.  Sometimes it's good to remind ourselves where we've been.

Worst things about being fat:

I always thought one of the worst things about being fat was that other people knew my "issue" I mean most people have "issues" but they don't surface till you get to know a person... mine were right there on my backside, on my stomach... 100+ pounds of issues. They knew I was out of control and every other good thing in my life was negated because of that.

Other things that sucked about being fat:

-Having to drive around for "diva parking" because walking across the parking lot was tiring.
-Going shopping with friends and only being able to buy purses.
-When people you were with asked for a booth and you weren't sure you could fit.
-Going to concerts and not being able to fit into the t-shirts.
-Being hot all the time.
-Narrow aisles in stores (especially antique stores many times my butt almost took out a breakable or two)
-Weighing at the Dr. office and seeing them move that little metal weight over one more notch.
-Being limited to three clothing stores.
-Not getting much play anymore ;)
-People analyzing what you order at restaurants. Forget going into an ice cream shop.
-Airplane bathrooms. Enough said.
-Tray tables on planes and sitting in the middle seat.
-People always saying, "You have such a pretty face."
-Walking by a group of teenagers and hoping they didn't make comments.
-Having pictures taken.
-Ordering things like special shirts for an event or bridesmaid dresses.
-Those desks with attached chairs at University.
-Not fitting on roller coasters and amusement rides.
-Getting into contortions to paint my toes (or just to put on socks).
-Worrying when I heard a creak in a chair.
-Backseat seat belts.
-Old-fashioned movie theater seats and stadium seating.
-Packing a small getaway bag is impossible. 2 garments took up the whole bag.
-Summer clothing (sleeveless, short, revealing, definitely not fat-friendly)
-Never getting a piggy back ride or being swept off my feet.

I'm sure there are many more and it's been therapeutic making this list so as I think of more I'll add to it.

I never want to forget.

one year

Today is one year anniversary of my surgery.  If I were in a more reflective mood, I would write a year in review of sorts, but I'm not, so I won't.  However, I couldn't let the day pass without mentioning it.