"I'm so much older than I can take" - The Killers

Friday night. I can't sleep so I've been playing on the internet. Went to Shrug's website. Can't wait for the show on Jan. 14! Then found myself on the Fabulous Johnson Brothers site. The Jbros are friends from high school and I've never seen them play. They will be playing a show on my birthday this year. I'm so excited. I've been thinking about having a birthday party this year, and now I can have a party and see my boys! I'm a strange one. I don't freak out over birthdays on the decades. No, I get crazy over the 5 years. I had a breakdown on my 25th birthday, so who knows what this year has in store. Hopefully a large crowd of old friends will ease the pain. If some new friends would like to join us, leave a message, I'll tell ya where and when. In the meantime: Happy New Year!

toys for young and old

When cell phones first became popular, I was adamantly against owning one myself. I was annoyed at all the people on their phones at the grocery and the mall or while driving. I didn't see the need to carry my phone around with me, since I don't much like having one at home. But then I got roommates. 3 girls, one phone line. It just seemed to make sense to have my own phone, so I broke down and joined the cell phone revolution. It has now been two years, and last night I was eligible for a new phone. For someone who grudgingly bought her first cell phone, I ran to the Verizon store last night for my new phone. I researched all day to try to find the best phone and so I didn't sound like a complete idiot at the store. When I got there, the sales clerk talked me into (it wasn't that hard, really) the newest and the best Verizon had to offer. I left the store with my brand new video phone with VCast and Blue Tooth. Granted, I have no need for most of the bells and whistles. Hell, I don't even know how some of them work, but I can set MP3's as ringtones and that's all that matters. Right?

why I hate politics

Try, try again

Last night was the dorm Christmas party. We couldn't have timed it better with the first snow storm of the season. We had catered food from a local Italian restaurant and watched movies. We watched Christmas with the Kranks which has to be the worst movie I've ever seen. I certainly hope the book it's based on is better, but I doubt I'll ever read it. I've come this far without reading a John Grisham book, I don't plan to start now.
The snow was beautiful. I went for a walk last night. Between the fresh snow and all the lights around the campus, it was very scenic.
Now I'm at work. The snow wasn't enough to cancel classes. How I long for a snow day!!

A word of advice

When you go to the library and ask the librarian for help finding a book, don't tell her "it's a white book and I found it on the bottom shelf last time", because we haven't figured out a way to catalog books by color. It just doesn't work that way. If you've had the book before, try to remember the stupid title. I can't go to the card catalog and type in "white book on bottom shelf" and magically come up with the book you're looking for. Get it? Good!
When closing the library yesterday, I saw someone left a note on the whiteboard in the study room-"hurry Christmas break". I'm so ready for a break, so please, hurry Christmas break!!!

Random post

Hello to all those faithful readers of the Critic who have found your way to my little blog. You will not find the intellectual ranting here. In fact, you will find very little intelligence here.

For awhile I felt I needed to justify keeping this blog going to myself. I started it when I applied for a job in Wyoming, thinking it would be a good way to keep in touch with friends and family when I moved across country. A year and a half later, I'm still in Ohio and finding myself with no time to write. Mostly because I don't want to bore the occassional reader with my tales of non-traditional student life, but since that's all I got, that's what you'll get from now on. Tales of work and school. Doesn't that sound exciting? And maybe someone out there can help me with algebra.
Thanks for stopping by, and please leave a message.

A place where I belong

All my life, I've felt like an outsider. I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere I was. I think this week I figured out why.
This past week, the college photographer was in town. He is trying to grow dreads, which I admit don't look great at this stage, but everyone at the college was aghast at his hair. I'm not so sure the look suits him, but I wasn't pointing and laughing with everyone else. I personally think the guy is attractive, dreads or not. He explained, when someone asked about his hair, that he is from San Francisco and he is perfectly normal there. So maybe that's my answer. Not San Francisco, necessarily, but I need to move out of the midwest. I don't know that I want to live in a real city, but I think I need to be in a more metropolitan area. That might not be the answer to all life's problems, but it could be a place to start. The real question is, will I actaully move?

No time

School is overwhelming. I've got nothing else to say. Okay, alittle more. I managed to see Green Day during mid-terms. It was an excellent show!! Although I know I'm getting old now, because I kept thinking, "it doesn't really need to be THIS loud". My ears were ringing for days! Still, probably one of the all time best shows I've been to. Now back to reality. School, work and dormlife.
Shanah tovah (hey I'm only a week late).

around the world in 80 minutes

I went to an international adoption seminar this past weekend. I have been thinking about this for a couple of years, but never really felt ready to be a mom. But out of curiosity, I went to the meeting. I was impressed with how honest the agency was about the conditions the children lived in and the possible health risks of those living conditions. I had read several articles of the horrors of international adoption and how unscrupulous agencies try to convince you of how wonderful the whole process is, but not this agency. It's a complicated, time consuming and ridiculously expensive procedure. I talked to my mom about it and her great advice was to go get artificially inseminated if I wanted children that badly. It'd be cheaper, she said. Yes my mother, who does not want to be a grandmother, gave me that piece of advice.
I was talking to a woman I work with who told me my biological clock has kicked in. So this is what it feels like...
After much deliberation, I decided not to be a mom. At least not now, and not by myself. I started back to school for a reason, and having a child would interfere with that goal. I might never be a mom, but I can be the doctor my Jewish family so desperately needs!

and now for a word from our sponsors

I had to turn in some poems I've written for my independent study, so I decided to post them here as well. Just thought I'd warn ya...

Untitled

I'm just a woman
symbolism is not my strength
my words spill forth
full of meaning but without disguise

there are so many words
locked up inside my head
where there are too many
places to hide

when the words finally flow
they do so with simplicity
no allegory or metaphor
just a girl speaking plainly

I try to be clever
when it comes to love
I try to be obscure
when the words are written for you

but in the end
there is only truth
and those words
aren't ready yet


Self Portrait

she has a beautiful soul
underneath the wool and burlap
but she hides in her mud hut
afraid others will see
the patina on her halo


Winter

Oh glorious night
cold wind whipping through my hair
the chill takes my breath away
it's almost enough to make me forget
images of love
unrequited emotion
boddhisatva hidden behind the snow

Why did this make me laugh?

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a tempered, reasonable way of thinking.You tend to take every new idea in, and meld it with your world view.For you, everything is always changing. Each moment is different.Your thinking process tends to be very natural - with no beginnings or endings.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

The week in a life

Sunday at work. This will be my life until I finish school, whenever that will be. It's not so bad. Sundays are quiet in the library, so I spend my day catching up on work I can't do through the week. And I take time to post here. Everyone deserves a break in the workday, right?
School has definitely disrupted my life. I have time for nothing. I spend all my free time studying (I actually kinda enjoy it, but I don't like to admit it - except sociology, which is going to bore me to death before the semester is over). My week is spent trying to work full time, go to class, volunteer at the art institute, choir practice, hebrew lessons and the occasional outing with my friends. I love Saturday. Saturday is the only day I have absolutely nothing to do.
This weekend LaToyia and I went to the Italian Festival. As with all festivals, it was just an excuse to drink alot of wine and eat "authentic" italian food. We walked around the booths and left shortly after arriving. We ended up at an italian restaurant instead. Not sure of the logic there, but LaTotia wasn't impressed with the festival in the least and wanted to go someplace familiar. I didn't care. It was just good to be away from the dorms.
Speaking of the dorms, I have a new nickname from the RA's - The Enforcer. It was a joke during dorm orientation that has stuck. The students don't know my name, but they remember the enforcer, so that's what I hear when I walk through the halls. It's better than the lame Housing Monitor title the Dean's came up with last year.
So this is my life, school, work, supervising a dorm in my off hours and a tiny little social life. Don't you envy me?

Goin' to the chapel

Went to another wedding today. I'm getting a cultural education this summer along with my wedding attendance. First it was the Filipino wedding in Chicago; today it was an African-American wedding in Columbus, OH. I love being one of a handful of white people in a room full of blacks. We should all be in the minority once in a while (although a Jew at a Christian wedding is a bit of a minority situation in and of itself, but that's another story). I love all the "amens" and "yeahs" that pop up from the congregation. It's so foreign to me, but it's kinda fun. Yes, I just said church is fun, don't tell my rabbi :) Anyway, it was a beautiful wedding. The bride is a former student at the college where I work. I'm not sure how I feel about these kids getting married before me, but she's so happy, so it's hard to complain. And thank goodness this wedding was only an hour from home. No out of state trips to unknown territory and no bleepin' toll roads! Afterwards, my friend and I hit the upscale mall for some window shopping. A walk through Saks is a wonderful way to spend an afternoon. Looking at all the things I'll never be able to afford, and probably wouldn't buy even if I could. Thank goodness tomorrow is a holiday. A chance to catch up on chores and homework I've put off all weekend.
New cd of the moment: Bob Mould Body of Song. Love Bob, not sure what I think about this cd.

Ode to a boy

When did I become the man?
Why am I doing the chasing?
Where are the flowers delivered to my door?
Where is the poetry written for me?

This is not love,
at least not the love I'm looking for.
You can write your own ending.
My story lies elsewhere.

Someone else's art

I had to write a book review for work today, so I thought I'd share the product of my work with the relatively few complete strangers who stumble across my blog (where did all my friends go?). It's all just silliness anyway. I hope you enjoy my first foray into book reviewing.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling

Book 6 of this controversial series sees Harry back at Hogwarts for his sixth year. The wizarding world is now fully aware of Voldemort’s return and the Muggle (non-magical) world is also at risk. Safe within the confines of the school, Harry and his friends, Ron and Hermione, can only read about the atrocities happening out in the world. But is Hogwarts really safe? Voldemort’s supporters are everywhere and Harry’s convinced his nemesis, Draco Malfoy, is among them. Book 6 is much lighter in tone than book 5, but the story doesn’t lose any of its momentum.
In Harry’s sixth year, the lines between good and evil seem to be clearly drawn, and Harry learns more than just the standard curriculum. Dumbledore gives Harry private lessons, teaching him the secrets of Voldemort’s immortality and how to ultimately defeat him, setting the stage for the final book in the series. The ending is shocking and distressing for regular readers of the series, but like all good coming of age stories, the ending makes sense in the greater context.
Harry Potter continues to be a fan favorite, making The Half-Blood Prince a must read for any Harry Potter fan.

Elephant Stew

I went to Chicago this weekend for a wedding. A traditional Filipino Adventist wedding. It was beautiful, if not a bit bizarre. And the part of Chicago we were in was gorgeous! Dayton doesn't have money like that! I hate Chicago, though. I hate driving in Chicago. I hate the toll roads. I hate the traffic. I hate the lunatic drivers. I was so excited to go, because I haven't been in years, then I got there and remembered why I stayed away for so long! I didn't do any sight seeing at all, so I'll eventually have to go back, but I need time to mentally prepare for it :)

On the drive, I listened to one of my new cd's that I've become absolutely addicted to. The artist is Rachael Yamagata. She is being compared to Fiona Apple, Norah Jones and Sarah McLaughlin, which are 3 very distinct artists in their own right. So, yeah, she's a chick with a piano and a sultry voice. That's about where the comparisons end. Her music is kinda funky, jazzy, pop-y, bluesy and even a little country. It's not quite as mature as Sarah, not as rough around the edges as Fiona and not quite as jazz inspired as Norah, but if you like the genre, then definitely check her out!

The things we do to keep ourselves entertained at work.

Back to normal, if that's what you call this...

Thanks to those of you who expressed concern about my mother. I shouldn't have left that sitting there for so long without following up. Last week was horrific! My mom spent 2 days in the hospital, but no one knows why she was having pain. Her heart is perfectly healthy. That's the good news! She now has to follow up with several doctors of varying specialties to figure out what's wrong. Meanwhile, she has this mild pressure in her chest that's almost constant now. She's not concerned, though. She feels as long as her heart is healthy she is a step ahead of her family history!
This week is much better comparatively. I just spoke with the instructor who will be teaching my independent study in poetry. I'm very excited about this class. I think I'm actually going to learn something! I have entirely too much on my plate for fall, a full-time job, 9 semester hours and a potential part-time job, not to mention choir, Hebrew lessons and other Temple related activities. If I'm not already crazy, I will be after September. Strangely enough, I'm looking forward to the chaos. I want to be so busy I don't have time to think about anything extraneous. It will either be good for me, or I'll be writing these during my breaks from my rubber room!
Something I learned this past week, and it shocks me that I am capable of understanding this, is to find joy where I can because if I wait for it to find me I'll be miserable forever. Yes, I know it sounds like a hallmark card, but it's really a revelation for me. I guess the anti-depressants are working.
2 days of work, then I'm off to Chicago for the weekend. More later...

My mom has been admitted to the hospital with chest pain. The Monday morning icing on a crappy weekend.

That's all for now

I'm incredibly frustrated with my life. I'm incredibly frustrated with some people in my life. I don't want to air my dirty laundry on here, but I can't think or write about anything else, so I've decided to stop writing until I can work through this. Think of it as a mental health break.

Home Sweet Home

I'm back. I haven't felt like writing, though. I think it's post vacation fatigue. Wyoming was beautiful and peaceful and then I had to come back here. Back to the dorms and my library in the basement. Back to the idiot boss and imbecilic politics. Yeah, I'm feeling cheery. I think I'll leave it at that for now.
I registered for an account with photobucket.com that posted the previous photo for me. The advantage of working with people younger with me is that they teach me tricks like that! The photo won't stay up long, but I wanted to share.

Hide and go seek

I've been neglecting my blog lately. It's been a bit crazy in my world and I've just not taken the time to sit down and write. I'm singing in a wedding tomorrow. I've been freaking out over it, but I sang it during the rehearsal today and although I know I'm singing in the wrong key, everyone else said it sounded okay. I realized in the midst of a panic attack that no one is even going to remember the song by the reception, so there really isn't anything to worry about. I'll try to keep that in mind when I can't sleep tonite. :)
Next week at this time I'll be on vacation, so the blog neglect will continue for a while longer, I'm afraid, but I hope to learn how to post pictures so I can chronicle my trip to the wild west! I might manage one more post before I leave.

not so late review

-sorry Critic, I had to use it.

I am a big fan of books. I don't read as much as I'd like, but I always have a book handy. Unfortunately, I am not the best person to ask when it comes to book reviews or critiques. I'll leave that to the professionals, or at least the adept amateurs. So, when I saw the book review for the title I'm currently reading I thought it divine intervention. I've been trying to think about what I wanted to say in relation to what I've been reading, but now I don't have to say anything except check out the review here. It's probably more verbose than it needs to be, but it's a decent review of what I've read, so far anyway. I have a few half-formed thoughts bouncing around in response to the book. Maybe I'll be able to formulate something substantial over the weekend.

autopathography

she has a beautiful soul
underneath the wool and burlap
but she hides in her mud hut
afraid others will see
the patina on her halo

"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause"

-Star Wars Episode III

I don't normally like to bore you with politics, but something strange is afoot in the US Congress, and it quite frightens me. If this disturbs you as well, please sign the petition.

For those of you who read this post yesterday, you will notice that I erased the whole moveon.org part, mostly just because it was too long and partly because it seems Congress came to an agreement, although it all still sounds a little sketchy to me. You can find the story here.

dazed and confuzzled

I went to see Star Wars tonite. My student workers took me out. It was fun making jokes about the people who dressed up, although two of my boys brought light sabers with them! The movie itself was a bit of a disappointment. Honestly all three of them have been. I'm a heretic for saying that I know, but I think they could've just made one movie to tell the same story much more convincingly. Maybe I'm biased, I'm old enough to remember the original Star Wars when it first came out. I was 6 and we saw it at the drive-in. These new one's just aren't the same to me.

I was in such a strange mood today. Going out tonite has helped, but I was all depressed and gloomy today. I'm not entirely sure why. Last night was such a good night. I went to Temple and actually enjoyed the service for the first time in a while. At one point today, I thought about going into detail about the service. But then I realized that there is only one other Jew I know of who reads this, so me talking about the connection I made with the matriarchs while chanting the Avot and G'vurot will mean nothing to the rest of you. I will just say it was a good service and I left feeling revitalized. And then I did what every good Jew should do.

I went to a bar! I went to Canal Street to see Shrug and Mona. There was even a third performer last night. A guy named Steven Gullett. I'd never seen him play before, but I really enjoyed his set. He sang a song called "Indie Rock Love". It was hilarious. I wanted to buy his cd just so I could send that song to my friend resident jason, because it reminded me of him - especially the line "they like bands from Chicago that can't sing". Screeching Weasel, anyone? hehe. Then Mona played. I really like Mona. They are incredibly talented and versatile. I highly recommend going to their site and checking out the sound clips. By the time Shrug took the stage I was exhausted. It had been a long week, and being out late on friday night is always a challenge for me, but it was worth it! Shrug is such a great band. The only thing I don't like about going to their shows is being stranded in the land of Abercrombie. I am so not their typical crowd! But I subject my punk rock/hippie self to the pretentiousness of their fans because the shows are just so awesome! (If any of you typical Shrug fans are reading this, I mean no offense. It's just a thirty-something woman complaining about "those damn kids". Pay me no mind.) Again, go to their website and check out their music downloads.

If you're wondering about the title, supposedly someone held a contest to put new words in the dictionary and confuzzled was one of the winners. It means confused and puzzled. Lame, I know, but it works for me.

This is not really a poem. It's not even a complete thought, but it's something I'm playing around with and wanted to post.

You've given me no reason
to trust, nothing to love,
no reason to feel worthy.
I know it's not your job to
make me feel worthwhile,
but isn't it only fair
that the gender that destroyed
my faith in man restore
my faith in myself?

"That's the sound of your brain cracking"

-Tracy Bonham

One thing I've noticed since starting on the anti-depressants is my abuse of the English language. Not so much abuse, I guess, as overuse. I've been babbling. Profusely. I don't shut up. I don't say anything worthwhile. It's the whole Bridget Jones verbal diarrhea syndrome. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I'm developing ADHD or something. Anyway, I'm telling you all this because my last couple posts seem to be exhibiting some of that babbling quality. I edited today's (earlier) post so it makes a little more sense. I think I'm going to start saving the posts as drafts and only publish them when I've had some time to edit. I do apologize for the rambling. I hope this clears up at some point and I can find some kind of happy medium between being the shy mute I was before and the babbling idiot I have become.

In a completely unrelated story, I keep having dreams about Bruce Campbell, so I checked out his website from kaddish and found that he is touring with his new book Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way and will be in Dayton! Cool authors, especially authors that are also actors (albeit a B movie actor), almost never come to Dayton. I am so there!

"A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend"

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I must be feeling better, because I'm contemplating going back to school-again. About January I decided I'd just spend my life as one of the uneducated masses and try to make the best of it. I didn't have the energy, motivation or desire to subject myself to the stress of a full time job, classes, homework and my Temple extracurriculars. But now I'm thinking I might actually be up for it. I had, at one point, thought about becoming a make-up artist, and that's not totally out of the picture yet, but part of me wants to go finish my bachelors and get it over with. So then the question becomes, what do I study? I keep getting suggestions from the people I work with. What I am hearing the most is that I should study English. This rather amuses me because, for as much as I like to write, English is the one subject I feel the least confident in. Maybe that's because my best friend is an English teacher and her husband has his master's in creative writing, not to mention my own mother's unfulfilled dreams of studying American Literature. That's just too much to live up to. One of the librarians suggested today that I go into business writing, but I ask you, if you enjoy writing for the creative outlet, how happy would you be writing up contracts all day long? I suppose I'd still be happier than checking books in and out to college students who can't find their own books. So, now I have to decide what to do with my life. I should probably start by filling out my financial aid application to see if I even qualify. I'm thinking I'm going back to University of Dayton, but it's private and expensive. The public university here sucks and still costs too much, so I might as well get a decent education if I'm going to have to take out more loans. I had thought about a Canadian university, but I don't know how I'd live and I should probably stay in the land of free rent for as long as possible. Any suggestions from out in cyber space?

Home is where the homies are

The title is a misunderstanding of something a 2-year-old said to me this weekend, but I like it, so I'm using it.

So much has happened the past few days, and of course it only happens when I'm away from my computer for days on end. Oh well, it gives me time to ponder what is actually worth saying and what only seemed important at the time. Let's start with the staff meeting at work last Thursday. We periodically have little staff meetings in the library so the director feels like she's keeping us informed without ever actually telling us anything worthwhile. This meeting was about the mandate to merge the college library with the hospital library. This has been in the works for years and although we all know it's ridiculous, the hospital administration (who also oversees the college) can't seem to understand we don't do the same things. So after we discussed what's happening in that arena, which is to say, she told us we're merging but doesn't know when or how, she then decides we need to work on a strategic plan and vision and mission statements. Well, one of the librarians, who is already fed up with this woman, went off! She's starts talking about how we can't make strategic plans when we don't know what anything is going to look like after the merger, blah, blah, blah. I mean, they were all good points, but the more she talked, the angrier she got, and the louder she got. If it we're a physical battle it would've been a bloodbath, as it was, the director just stared straight ahead like she couldn't believe what just happened. Everyone else was kinda in shock as well, but I was just sitting there thinking, "what the hell am I doing here?" It is so time for me to get out of that place. I just don't care what happens anymore. I stay for my students, not out of any loyalty or desire to do the job. For the nerdy little bookworm I am, I really don't enjoy working in the library!

Fortunately, I got to leave early Thursday for a conference, so I didn't have to deal with the aftermath of that meeting. The conference went well, which is good since I was on the committee that planned it. After that, I headed to Cleveland to visit my best friend and her family. On the way, I got a speeding ticket for doing 78 in a 60! I can't even get angry about it since I usually drive 85 the whole way, and for as many times as I've made that 3 hour drive between Dayton and Cleveland, this is the first time I've been caught, so I say I earned all $143 of that ticket!

The visit went well, although I was a bit tired and cranky. It's so weird to me that I have friends with children. I still don't feel like I'm old enough to be left on my own, much less entrusted with another life, but it's really cool to watch this little girl grow up. And she likes me, which makes it that much cooler! :) I only hope my child will be as beautiful and intelligent, because I know the comparisons will be there when the time comes! The best part of the visit, besides seeing my best friend and having a child climb all over me for 2 days straight, was the birthday presents! My friend and I have this tradition that as long as a birthday gift is given in the correct year, then the timing doesn't really matter. It's worked for us, and I rather like it, because long after I've forgotten about my birthday, I get presents! Yep, it's all about me! Anyway, I got a stuffed white tiger from the baby. I've been sleeping with it, which is weird since I don't think I ever slept with a stuffed animal. I also got Saved on DVD. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it! And, I got a Mountain Goats CD. I've never listened to the Mountain Goats before this weekend, and I have to say, I'm liking the music. So, all in all, a very good visit, despite the screaming child in the planetarium!

Yeah, so this isn't the most exciting post ever, but these are the things that are important to me. My job, which I seriously need to reconsider, my friends, and now I'm back home where my kids are. So they're all adults and have parents of their own, but to me they've become family. They are my homies, and home is where the homies are.

Experiments in poetry

Letting go of what I never
had a hold of. It's funny
how obsession can distort
the mind. I actually believed
if I waited long enough,
held on tight enough that you

would be mine. I just wanted
someone to call my own, something
to call home. I don't know why
everyone thinks I'm so happy
on my own. I'm independent
and self-sufficient, but not

meant to be alone. Until you,
I've never met a real man.
A man's man. Until you, I
never thought I'd find that
attractive. But I didn't
realize the benefits

of that mentality. You
want to take care of those you
love. I want to be taken
care of, but it doesn't have
to be you. That's what I
finally understand.

You taught me what I needed
in a man, showed me what was
missing, pointed me in the
direction to find what
is right for me. Now I need
to let you go so you can

find what is right for you.

Another late night post

I wrote a nice long post filled with ramblings about my new life on anti-depressants, and for some reason blogger didn't like it, so it didn't post. Now I have to decide if I want to recreate it or just tell you that you would have been fascinated and now you've been robbed of the privilege of reading what amounted to me babbling about shopping and talking too much. I'm sure there was something worthwhile in the post and maybe I'll share that part at a later date, but for now just know that blogger is not always kind.

I should leave you with something, so I will recommend a book. I am currently reading a book called Hello to All That by John Falk. It his biography of his battle with depression. It's really quite interesting, but a bit choppy. The book switches between the past and the present, but the transitions are not smooth to say the least. Still, if you're interested in learning more about the personal aspects of depression, this is a good book to read.

I'm too tired to be allowed to post

So, I checked my handy dandy little counter that told me more people visited my site in the last 24 hours than in the past week, but you can't tell by looking at the comments. Is the stuff I write that uninspiring people don't have any response to it? If so, then maybe I should try being more controversial. I could start sharing my political views or my environmental activism. I could just make up stories that would get people thinking, or piss them off. Then do you think I'd get some comments? I'm not asking for much. Just a "hey, I was here" or "your blog sucks". Something so I know when the counter says 15 people hit my blog today that they didn't just read the headline and move on. I guess I can't complain too much. At least I have Laurie to converse with via the comments on each of our blogs. But, come on people, just leave a message. It doesn't hurt. I promise.

All we need is some ice cream and a hug - Bowling for Soup

I guess I owe you all an explanation for the last post. My cat was killed on Saturday. He liked to go outside, and as much as we would prefer he didn't, we never actually won that argument. So he would go out onto the patio, jump the fence and go see the world. Well, Saturday he never returned from his jaunt into the wild and when my mom found him, he was already gone. He had been attacked by a bigger animal. We took him to a vet clinic that will bury him in the local pet cemetery. I'm a little amused by the whole pet cemetery thing, but glad my cat won't be buried in the flower bed of my mom's apartment and left behind when she moves.
I got him in Muncie. He was born on my 21st birthday, which I always thought was kinda cool. He lived with me for a few years, but when we discovered I was allergic to cats, he moved in with my mom. I still claimed him as my own, but he was really her cat and she spoiled him rotten. He was 13, which is a respectable age for a cat, and he had a good life, so I'm okay. Although, I don't like that he was murdered my some homicidal animal!
As silly and as melodramatic as it sounds, he really was the love of my life. I'm going to miss him greatly!

Eliot a.k.a. Lor the Alien Eyeball Licker - R.I.P.

My baby died tonite
the love of my life
he was the son I didn't bear
He was my world
He brought light in the darkness
joy in despair
he was my beautiful boy
my first child
my first love
my first reason for being alive
the world is so ugly now
everything is so silent
rest in peace my sweet boy
in the arms of Bastet

Pieces

I started reading Tori Amos' biography, Piece by Piece, today. I'm a huge fan of hers, although I haven't always liked her music (take from the choirgirl hotel, for example). She is one of those rare musicians who is also an artist. Her music challenges me. It makes me think, it makes me feel and it makes me re-evaluate my worldview. The book is doing the same thing. She has such an interesting take on the world and herself. She's in touch with a spirituality that just freaks out the average Bible Belt bred American. But that's what intrigues me about her, the way she weaves myth, magic and the mundane world along with her own experiences and turns it into music. She is definitely an inspiration. An inspiration spiritually, musically and in my relationship with myself. It takes alot of honesty and courage to be who you are in the face of societal norms, social expectations and cultural assimilation. It takes strength of character to be who you are, even when it means being rejected by others.
That's as good a place as any to stop this rant. In the course of reading and thinking about what I was reading, I wrote a poem that I would like to share. It's not titled yet.

I'm just a woman
symbolism is not my strength
my words spill forth
full of meaning but without disguise

there are so many words
locked up inside my head
where there are too many
places to hide

when the words finally flow
they do so with simplicity
no allegory or metaphor
just a girl speaking plainly

I try to be clever
when it comes to love
I try to be obscure
when the words are written for you

but in the end
there is only truth
and those words
aren't ready yet

Email v. IQ

The Fabulous Johnson Brothers

For the first time this week I can't sleep. I was just starting to get used to my brain not being in hyperdrive and now it's back. I hope just temporarily. It's been a strange week. The anti-anxiety has made me tired all week (except for tonite, unfortunately), but calmer. A few people at work have commented that I'm less grumpy, and I'm starting to act goofy. I chased one of my students around the work room yesterday trying to tape an "I love library boys" sign on his back and tonite I pushed a book off the shelf onto another library boy. This was normal behavior for me when I was younger, but I'm supposed to be too adult to act like that now, so I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I'm letting myself have a little fun, or if I'm just getting carried away. See what I mean about the overactive mind? Otherwise, life is normal, or should I say boring.

I have a friend who is being shipped out to the United Arab Emirates tomorrow. I'm very worried about her being over there. Although she's not technically in the war zone, it's still not safe over there, especially for women. I have to admit that I admire her for her decision to join the military, since she enlisted at the age of 32. I don't agree with this war and I strongly believe we need to get out of the middle east as quickly as possible, but I have a greater respect for the people who put their lives on the line for what they believe in.

I added a new band link The Fabulous Johnson Brothers. I went to high school with these guys. I was there when the idea for a band formed in their collective consciousness before any of them could even play an instrument. I stumbled across the website the other night and was so excited I wanted to share it with anyone who will listen (or read).

I think I'm going to try this sleep thing again. Good night.

To medicate or not to medicate

Another Saturday night spent alone in my apartment. I could be out seeing Shrug again, but I'm not really in the mood. I spent most of the day asleep, which is a nice change. Now I'm enjoying a little computer time while listening to the ipod. I've loaded most of my favorites and have only used 1GB. I feel like I've fallen behind in my music collecting. Right now my new favorite is Bowling for Soup. It's just a fun CD. It makes me smile. I also bought The Killers. Some of the CD reminds me of Morrissey, who I hate with a passion, so to admit that I like the CD is huge for me. I especially like "Mr. Brightside", which I know is played on the radio too much, but I like it anyway!

Okay, for the way too personal stuff that probably shouldn't be posted for the whole world to see...I went to a psychiatrist yesterday because I haven't been sleeping well. It was an interesting experience. I basically had to recite my life history, answer a bunch of questions about the family's health and then he told me I had major depression and prescribed an anti-depressant with an anti-anxiety pill. I told my best friend about this today, and her reaction was "I don't know what I think about this." That's pretty much how I reacted when the Dr. handed me the prescription. There are many arguments and actual scientific proof in favor of anti-depressants, but I see so many people who take the medicine thinking it will fix all their problems without taking any responsibility for their lives. I don't want to be one of those people. I also don't want to be one of those people who loses all her friends because she's become such a depressing bore. So, I've joined the pill-popping generation. The anti-anxiety pills take effect immediately, so it's been strange today to actually feel relaxed and not worried about everything. I'm not even obsessing over my boy, well not much anyway. It's a strange feeling. It will take a couple weeks for the anti-depressant to take effect. I wonder if you will see a difference on the blog. It will be interesting.

Okay, time to find more music to load onto the ipod.

I am 30% Punk Rock.

Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Take the
Punk Rock Test
@ FualiDotCom

Beware of glass

I am the poster child for sleep deprivation. If you need proof, read some of the stuff I have written on here. If that's not enough for you, take into consideration the 9 stitches I got friday evening after cutting myself doing dishes. I had my hand inside a glass when it broke and attacked my hand. I knew the glass had a chip in it, but I really didn't expect it to break. Had I not been so tired, I might've thought through the process more, but you know what they say about hindsight. So instead of spending the weekend with friends, I got to lay around with my hand propped up. I suppose it's not an awful way to spend the weekend, and I got an extra day off work. It's not all bad, I guess.
I love my new computer, but I don't have a computer desk and lying on the floor typing is not the most comfortable thing, so I think I'm done for now. (boy, all you English majors out there much be cringing after that run-on!)

"Forget safety./ Live where you fear to live./ Destroy your reputation./ Be notorious./ I have tried prudent planning/ long enough./ From now/ on, I'll be mad." - Rumi

And in my madness, I bought an ipod. On a whim. Yes, I've been thinking about it. Did some research on it, but in the end I got the crazy need for an ipod yesterday so I ran to Best Buy and bought one. Not only that, but the silly people at Best Buy extended me enough credit (interest-free) to buy myself a new computer. So, I think I'm going back this week to get a PC of my very own. This has turned out to be a very expensive birthday!

Okay, maybe that isn't really what Rumi meant. But it's as close as I've been to spontaneous in a long time. What would life be like if we could really live like that? Forget societal norms. Forget others expectations. Just be crazy, be yourself. Live life by your whims, not your well thought out and documented plans. If I were to live like that this moment, I would tell the boy I have a crush on how I feel and then drive to Nashville for the weekend (with or without the boy depending on his reaction). But I can't do those things because I don't want to know how the boy feels about me, because I fully expect it is not to be what I feel for him, and I already have plans for the weekend. Rumi would be so disappointed.

Bon anniversaire

I've always been a big fan of my birthday and getting older doesn't seem to be dulling the enthusiasm any. It's been a pretty good birthday so far. Wednesday night I had dinner with the old roomies. Last night two of my student workers gave me an original, one-of-a-kind Library Boys cd that they recorded on their computer. It's great! It's so funny, but they are actually quite talented. If I could figure out how to attach a sound clip to my blog, I'd share some of it. It's the best birthday present I think I've ever gotten. The celebration continues through the weekend. Happy birthday to me!

You know what the Monty Python boys say...

I got my wisdom teeth pulled on thursday. That was the highlight of my week. Okay, so the week wasn't that bad. I got to see my brother for a whole 5 mins. on monday before he went back to Wyoming. Other than that the week pretty much sucked. After many days of stress and stupidity, I informed everyone that I was not, in fact, taking the job at the bookstore. It went fairly well. The bookstore ladies were disappointed, and my co-worker was...well, let's just say she wasn't happy. I really don't want drama in my life. It's so not necessary.
Anyway, the teeth pulling wasn't such a bad thing. It gave me a good excuse to spend the weekend on the couch wathcing Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD. I had intended to read a book or two as well, but 22 episodes of Buffy plus commentary take alot of time. I only managed 12, as well as a couple episodes of Red Dwarf. I also made the mistake of watching the Rock flick Walking Tall. I should really read a book now.

So, the week sucked, my teeth hurt, and my life is becoming more dramatic than I care for. As they say, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Days like these...

It's been a rough week. One of my co-workers tried to engineer my departure from the library. There is an opening in the bookstore for an assistant manager, so she went to the manager and told her I was interested without consulting me. The manager then went to her boss and everyone got excited that they would be able to hire from within without ever discussing the idea with me. Because I was feeling trapped, I decided to inquire about the position, thinking that if I'm obviously not wanted where I'm at I'd look to see if I should take the job. The job would require long hours, is salaried so I wouldn't get paid for the long hours, there is no pay raise or extra time off. There are no advantages to taking this job at all, not even the satisfaction of having a job that I like better. I talked to my mom about it, who was appalled I was being so meek. She told me her daughter would stay where she was out of spite! Well, I am staying, but not out of spite necessarily. If I decide to take another job, it will be on my terms and it will be a job I want to do, not just something I take to get away from a rabid co-worker. I'm sure the situation won't be improved by my decision, but she shouldn't be allowed to control my life like that. I don't cope well with hostility, and would prefer to just not have to deal, but if I'm staying I guess I'm going to have to learn.

On a happier note, I bought myself an early birthday present: an electric bass. I feel so much more comfortable with the bass than the guitar (10 years of violin and cello may be a contributing factor). It just makes me happy! Especially after learning the bassline to "I believe in a thing called love" by The Darkness last night. This is a good thing!

An uphill battle just got steeper

The National Trust

During my college years I managed to insinuate myself into the music scene at Ball State. I have many fond memories of bands long dead like Neurotic Box, Crank Pin and Fire Hydrant, Man (a Matt Hart band that for some reason is not on his bio. hmm...). Another band presumed dead was Freaks of Nature, or FON for short. They were a local favorite. Although they technically broke up my freshman year, they had several reunions, so I was privileged enough to see them play many times. Newly resurrected, FON is now The National Trust. I'm very excited to hear this new incarnation that includes Kris Roe of The Ataris. They will be releasing a cd sometime this year, but if you would like to listen to a preview check out their my space page.

And now for a word from our sponsors...

My 4 years of signing petitions against oil drilling in protected areas has begun. Please support the National Resource Defense Council's attempt to stop oil and gas drilling in Wyoming.

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. --Unknown

The sickness has finally caught up with me. I've survived all winter without a cold, and now that we're down to the end I get one. At least it's break week here, so I can suffer in relative solitude. I'm so melodramatic.

I went to see Movin' Out Saturday in Cincinnati. It was a good show. The dancing was phenomenal. Not that I'm really all that knowledgeable about such things, but it was fun to watch.
After the show, I went to my cousin's house to discuss the trip to Yellowstone this summer. About 45 minutes into the discussion my cousin decides she doesn't want to go because it's just too much nature for her. 3 days staying in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with only buffalo (and her family) to keep her company just didn't sound appealing to her. It sounds like heaven to me (except for the family part). The mountains and waterfalls, the wildlife and geysers, what more could you ask for from a vacation? She didn't like the idea of being so far removed from civilization. I love my cousin. She is an exceptionally cool person, except when it comes to vacation.

And speaking of nature. On my way out of town Sat. I saw a peregrine falcon sitting by the side of the road in the suburbs. I see falcon quite often on the highway, but this was the first time I've seen one in the city. I don't know why this was important to mention, but I feel better now.

When I got home Sat. night, a couple of my library boys came to my apartment for our first unofficial band practice. There's still a bit of teaching Erin how to play the guitar happening, but we actually wrote a song. Then one of them got the bright idea that we need to put together a cd, recorded on his computer, of course, since anything we write will hold no interest for anyone other than us. It's a concept piece, you see, all songs about working in the library. So we were all given the assignment of writing 3 songs this week. A task I feel is unrealistic for the lyrically challenged person such as myself, but I did manage to write a song today. It's a love song for the electric guitar I'm babysitting while it's owner is enjoying his mid-term break (we can't actually call it a spring break when it's the beginning of March). I'm sure he and the rest of the library boys band will find it very disturbing, but I think it's hilarious! "I cradle you in my arms/I stroke your neck/I pull your strings/I turn you on/ready to hear you scream". It's just so awful it's funny! I'm not so sure it's 19 year-old owner will find it quite so amusing considering it's his boss writing these things. It's probably crossing the lines of appropriate behavior actually, so I might not share it with them. It depends on how many more songs I manage to write this week. Anyone got any ideas?

End of the February blues...I hope

I'm at work against my will today. I desperately wanted to stay home, finish the book I'm reading and catch up on some chores that I ignored this weekend. But I had to remind myself if I want to take my trip to Wyoming in June, I have to work now. I only have so much vacation time, so I'm here trying to make the best of it.
The weekend was fairly enjoyable, but busy. Friday night I had an impromptu guitar lesson in the co-ed lounge and something just clicked. I've been struggling to learn guitar for a long time, and something about Friday night got me past the mental block. I've been playing every chance I get, making up songs since I can't play anything real yet. Thank goodness for tabs. My new favorite site is guitar tab universe. Although, until I can master chord transitions other than g, a and e I can't really learn anything interesting. Saturday I went on a Temple retreat where my rabbi told me I should be in a metal band. I found this immensely funny.
The retreat itself was okay. It wasn't what I expected, although I'm not really sure what I expected. It was held at the Bergamo Center which is a beautiful place, but kind of a strange choice for a group of Jews. I don't know that I really learned anything other than the disfunctional relationship between the clergy, but I'm still glad I went. And I might wander around Mount Saint John sometime when I have nothing better to do.
Saturday night, I went to see Shrug again. They played with Watershed, a band from Columbus. It was a good night, with good music and the crowd was much more animated than I'm used to at Canal Street. Even the singer, who is almost stoic on stage was more energetic than I've seen him before. Granted, I'm a late comer to the scene, so maybe he's just been in a funk the past few times I've seen them, but it was nice to see him look like he was enjoying himself. And now that I'm attempting to learn guitar, I'm watching hands trying to figure out chords and keys. The musician has been awakened. Beware!
Sunday was spent at the Flea Market hoping to find a very cheap electric guitar. Unfortunately, very cheap meant piece of crap, so I'll try a pawn shop sometime. I don't see the point of paying for a brand new guitar until I know I can play it.
Wow, this is downright verbose compared to the past couple months. I hope this really does mean that the winter blues are over, even if more snow is on the way.

****Haloscan seems to have returned and is working properly again, so comments are once open to anyone and everyone.

Haloscan freaked out on us this past week, so I made some changes to my blog to get blogger comments back. I don't like that only blogger members can leave messages, but few people outside my blogging circle bothered anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. I wanted to change the whole blog. I looked through the templates blogger offers and they all look like resumes. I might do some searching later for other blog skins, but this will do for now.

I know I've been silent for the past couple weeks, but I still don't have anything interesting to say. I'm having a bit of a personal crisis that I can't really talk about here, and there's nothing else happening in my world to entertain you with. In the meantime, let me leave you with a some musical selections that have been getting me through my battle with the February blahs and Valentine's confusion:

Sick of myself by Matthew Sweet; all of the Green Day American Idiot CD; My newest discovery The Darkness - a band that reminds me so much of my high school hairband days, how could I not like them?; Fiona Apple Tidal, which I listened to for about a week straight. I hated this CD when it first came out and now it's like an obsession. Another recently redisovered blast from the past- Tracy Bonham. And finally, a man my brother introduced me to Richard Cheese.

So there you have it, my SAD therapy to get me through until spring. And hopefully sometime soon, I'll have something more interesting to write about.

I haven't posted much lately. I haven't been in the mood to write, really. Nothing exciting is happening in my world and my inner dialogue isn't appropriate for public consumption at this point in time, so what do I say? I'm only writing this much as a desperate attempt to avoid the Super Bowl. Although, now I'm feeling very lonely since the entire dorm is in the lobby watching the game. Do I endure the torture that is american football, or do I sit alone in my office feeling sorry for myself? Well, maybe I'll go back down for the halftime show. I wouldn't mind seeing Paul McCartney. I'm so glad football season is over after this!
That's all for tonite. Aren't you so glad I decided to share?

random post

Lately my blog has received several referrals from yahoo searches for things like "redheads and braces" or something similar involving redheads. Now, being the somewhat naive girl that I am, I decided to recreate one of these searches the other day. I'm sure some of you are way ahead of me here, but I will tell you I was shocked by the results of my search. I didn't realize men were so particular about their pornography that they'd go looking specifically for redheads and the braces thing is just disgusting (for those of you as naive as me, they are not referring to orthodonture). Then I got a little giggle out of the fact that some of these sicko's found my blog and probably got excited "ohh, a redhead dancing" only to be disappointed by what they saw.
Ah, the internet. Isn't it a wonderful thing?

"nice customs court'sy to great kings" - Shakespeare

Saturday evening I went to see Henry V at Cincinnati Shakespeare Festival. It was a pretty good production. Not great praise, I realize, but about as good as it deserves. I want to go back in March to see Much Ado About Nothing. It's supposed to be set after WWII, so it should be an interesting interpretation. When I got home, several students were having a snowball fight in front of the dorm. Two of my library boys were involved and they decided to get me as I was walking in, so I joined the fight. It was alot of fun! It's been years since I've been in a snowball fight.

If you are in the Dayton, OH area and have nothing better to do on a friday night, stop by Temple Beth Or for our 20th anniversary service. The choir (which includes yours truly) will be performing A Klezmer Service by Jose Bowen. It should be fun, even for those of the non-Jewish persuasion.

I know most people don't take horoscopes seriously. In my youth, when I dabbled in the occult, I studied and became a novice practitioner in the art of astrology. I have long since abandoned those beliefs, but I still get enjoyment out of reading horoscopes, if only to laugh at how badly they're done. My favorite is free will astrology, because the title says it all. Read with skepticism; you're still in control, but here's a head's up. I'm subscribed to his weekly mailing. It's the highlight of my wednesday morning to read his advice for the week. After my obsessive episode this week, I read in the horoscope: "If necessary, have a no-nonsense conversation with yourself in which you discuss all the reasons why the satisfaction of that longing is not at all crucial to your happiness or well-being, and why, therefore, you will never again indulge in a serious fantasy about it." Do think someone, somewhere is trying to tell me something?

Warning: candid female content

Sometimes I wish fewer men read this site so I could complain more about the pitfalls of being a woman, such as monthly hormone shifts. Although I know you all can relate. Anyone who has ever lived with a woman understands these things. I absolutely hate it! (And this is usually when I write the strangest and most embarrassing posts, tonite being no exception.) I don't comprehend why I cannot control my emotions or actions for that week. Why I always make the biggest fool of myself with boys that week. Why I even care about boys that week, when most of the time I can convince myself I'm perfectly happy being single. But for some reason, I'm terribly upset about that fact right now. And I'm fixated on someone, who on paper is the perfect man, but in reality is absolutely wrong for me. Okay, I'm not going any further with this.
I know all the biological reasons for it. I get that the balance of progesterone and estrogen change during menstruation and that plays havoc with one's emotions. I just don't understand why it has to be to the point that all judgment, reason, and rationality vacate the premises during the process.

Does this scare anyone else?

This blog journalism? You've got to be kidding me!

Ain't America grand?

Surreal Life

I am not a fan of reality television. I have not seen more than 5 minutes of Survivor, avoid the matchmaking shows like the plague and although I had two roommates addicted to American Idol, I managed to get through the entire season with minimal exposure. But to say that I am not a fan of reality tv is somewhat of a lie. I LOVE What Not to Wear, still watch Trading Spaces on occasion and find myself watching While You Were Out more often than I care to admit. Are these shows not considered reality tv also? They may be more acceptable in the grand scheme of bad television, but the fact remains, they are reality tv. If we hold to the old theory that trying one little innocuous thing leads to more and stronger stuff (insert drug analogy here), then TLC started an addiction that Bravo is feeding on. Yes, I will admit to watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I even checked out the new Queer Eye for the Straight Girl this week. I can rationalize this behavior with excuses that these shows do have some redeeming value. Although I can't think of any off the top of my head, I'll make the argument anyway. I knew I had a problem, though, when I started watching Bravo's Project Runway. For those not familiar with this show, they take aspiring clothes designers, give them near impossible tasks to accomplish in no time, then their clothes are modeled for judges. Whoever designs the worse piece of clothing gets kicked out. So basically, it's Survivor in the Banana Republic. I don't know why this show appeals to me. I don't know why I'm admitting this.
To read this, one might think I spend most of my time in front of the tv. That's not true. Throughout the week, I'm not home enough to even turn on my tv. The weekends, however, are another story. I love my DVR. I can keep up with Alias even though I'm rarely home by 9:00 on Wednesday nights. I can record QE for guys and girls. I can record anything and everything, then watch it all on Sun. afternoon. Yeah, so I'm still frying my brain, but at least I'm not getting daily exposure!

And so it begins... Again.

It's the first day of the semester. The students are all back and the drama has started. You know, this experience in the hands of a competent writer would be amazing. Life just isn't this interesting or dramatic after college. Well, I guess for some people it is, but they just get scary after awhile. Between living in a college dorm in my 30's and the 2 years I spent working in a prison, I have some amazing ideas for stories, but I'm not able to write them. When I worked at the prison, I would burn certain events and observations into my memory thinking someday I will have to write about this. I still remember with perfect clarity walking through the cafeteria at lunchtime watching the guys file through, the smell, the sounds, the guards. If I could conjure the elements of fear, oppression, rage and resignation with words, or the lingering smell of stale cigarette smoke that just clung to the walls, or experience of walking through the crash gates every morning and the anxiety caused by hearing them close behind you knowing you're spending the next 8 hous behind bars, but I don't know that I could ever convincingly put that experience into words. It's just too emotionally charged, and I can't describe emotion. Hell, most of the time I don't recognize an emotion when I feel it, so how am I supposed to write about it?
Sometimes I think there isn't much difference between college students and inmates. In both environments there is an element of "I don't give a fuck". In a prison setting, there is the false security of thinking you're the one in charge -- 2000 inmates, 200 employees working at any given time, less overnight. We're only in control because they let us. It's the same concept in a college dorm. As much as we adults like to believe that we're in control, the students only follow the rules because they choose to. And when you have a handful of students, like we have this year, who choose not to, well... then all hell breaks loose. And when it's a small dorm where the girls outnumber the boys 4 to 1, it just makes the world that much more interesting. It doesn't help that most of these boys are little cuties. And these are the most aggresive girls I've ever seen. It's pretty sad when the guys have to hide because they are afraid of the girls, but it's actually gotten to that point. It's an interesting dynamic. Maybe someday I'll find a way to write about it.

Sanity reigns

I thought I should try to write something thoughtful and somewhat intelligent after my novocain experiment yesterday, but I don't have much to say. For those of you who did read my novocain induced nonsense, I'm sorry. I was bored and couldn't talk, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I decided during my week off that I don't dislike my job as much as I thought I did. It's my boss I don't like. And, man, am I feeling that this morning! It's only an hour 1/2 into the workday and she's already driving me nuts! The beginning of the week was so pleasant without her here. I need to learn to ignore it and go on with my day, but she just picks and taunts until I want to lash out. I really don't like her!

Earlier this week I was dreading the return of the student body, but today I'm almost looking forward to it (if only because my student workers will return and I can get back to doing my own work instead of theirs!).

The boss is prowling again, I should get back to work.

Later that same day...

I decided to finish this entry after work hours. Novel concept, eh?

I didn't realize how much a week off revitalized a person. The week went by so quickly that I didn't really feel rested when it was over, but it has definitely made a difference. I think I've accomplished more this week that I have in the past couple months!

Having talked with several friends my age lately, I've decided that I've reached an age (yes J, I actually said it, I've reached an age) when nostalgia sets in and everything college is rosey and perfect. I don't know what it is about the early to mid-thirties that makes college "the good ole days", but almost everyone I know is getting all gooey over their college days. I guess there is some merit to it: rediscovering joys that have gotten lost in adult world. It's what made me decide to go out and discover the Dayton music scene. I loved live music and hanging out with musicians when I was younger. Just being an observer of the scene has enlivened me. However, there is a fine line between rediscovering things that brought you joy in your youth and trying to relive that youth. I guess that's what a midlife crises is all about, a denial of getting older and trying to act like a teenager again. Sometimes I think being in a college environment is not good for me, because I can live in a constant state of denial. I can act like I'm 18 and no one really bats an eye. I need to learn how to be an adult without losing the things that bring me joy. Being an adult doesn't have to suck. It's not always fun, but there is no law that once you become an adult everything has to be serious and you are required to sit at home alone every saturday night. I only know 2 kinds of adults, marrieds with kids who can't get out and people who think they're still 21 and party all the time.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, and if I continue I could be typing all night. I'm just trying to say that I need to learn how to merge the 2 concepts, being a mature, responsible adult who still knows how to have fun. I've got the responsible thing down. I've been nothing but responsible for many years now in an attempt to make up for many years of irresponsible, but I don't have the mature thing mastered and I need to learn to have more fun.

I'm not sure this is any better than last nights novocain induced ramblings (I had a root canal yesterday, I'm not just sucking on novocain for enjoyment), but again, it will do for now.

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.- Neil Gaiman

I have half a mind to get all reflective and philosophical on you, but I'll save it. I hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday season and 2005 brings you many blessings!