"That's the sound of your brain cracking"

-Tracy Bonham

One thing I've noticed since starting on the anti-depressants is my abuse of the English language. Not so much abuse, I guess, as overuse. I've been babbling. Profusely. I don't shut up. I don't say anything worthwhile. It's the whole Bridget Jones verbal diarrhea syndrome. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I'm developing ADHD or something. Anyway, I'm telling you all this because my last couple posts seem to be exhibiting some of that babbling quality. I edited today's (earlier) post so it makes a little more sense. I think I'm going to start saving the posts as drafts and only publish them when I've had some time to edit. I do apologize for the rambling. I hope this clears up at some point and I can find some kind of happy medium between being the shy mute I was before and the babbling idiot I have become.

In a completely unrelated story, I keep having dreams about Bruce Campbell, so I checked out his website from kaddish and found that he is touring with his new book Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way and will be in Dayton! Cool authors, especially authors that are also actors (albeit a B movie actor), almost never come to Dayton. I am so there!

"A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend"

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I must be feeling better, because I'm contemplating going back to school-again. About January I decided I'd just spend my life as one of the uneducated masses and try to make the best of it. I didn't have the energy, motivation or desire to subject myself to the stress of a full time job, classes, homework and my Temple extracurriculars. But now I'm thinking I might actually be up for it. I had, at one point, thought about becoming a make-up artist, and that's not totally out of the picture yet, but part of me wants to go finish my bachelors and get it over with. So then the question becomes, what do I study? I keep getting suggestions from the people I work with. What I am hearing the most is that I should study English. This rather amuses me because, for as much as I like to write, English is the one subject I feel the least confident in. Maybe that's because my best friend is an English teacher and her husband has his master's in creative writing, not to mention my own mother's unfulfilled dreams of studying American Literature. That's just too much to live up to. One of the librarians suggested today that I go into business writing, but I ask you, if you enjoy writing for the creative outlet, how happy would you be writing up contracts all day long? I suppose I'd still be happier than checking books in and out to college students who can't find their own books. So, now I have to decide what to do with my life. I should probably start by filling out my financial aid application to see if I even qualify. I'm thinking I'm going back to University of Dayton, but it's private and expensive. The public university here sucks and still costs too much, so I might as well get a decent education if I'm going to have to take out more loans. I had thought about a Canadian university, but I don't know how I'd live and I should probably stay in the land of free rent for as long as possible. Any suggestions from out in cyber space?

Home is where the homies are

The title is a misunderstanding of something a 2-year-old said to me this weekend, but I like it, so I'm using it.

So much has happened the past few days, and of course it only happens when I'm away from my computer for days on end. Oh well, it gives me time to ponder what is actually worth saying and what only seemed important at the time. Let's start with the staff meeting at work last Thursday. We periodically have little staff meetings in the library so the director feels like she's keeping us informed without ever actually telling us anything worthwhile. This meeting was about the mandate to merge the college library with the hospital library. This has been in the works for years and although we all know it's ridiculous, the hospital administration (who also oversees the college) can't seem to understand we don't do the same things. So after we discussed what's happening in that arena, which is to say, she told us we're merging but doesn't know when or how, she then decides we need to work on a strategic plan and vision and mission statements. Well, one of the librarians, who is already fed up with this woman, went off! She's starts talking about how we can't make strategic plans when we don't know what anything is going to look like after the merger, blah, blah, blah. I mean, they were all good points, but the more she talked, the angrier she got, and the louder she got. If it we're a physical battle it would've been a bloodbath, as it was, the director just stared straight ahead like she couldn't believe what just happened. Everyone else was kinda in shock as well, but I was just sitting there thinking, "what the hell am I doing here?" It is so time for me to get out of that place. I just don't care what happens anymore. I stay for my students, not out of any loyalty or desire to do the job. For the nerdy little bookworm I am, I really don't enjoy working in the library!

Fortunately, I got to leave early Thursday for a conference, so I didn't have to deal with the aftermath of that meeting. The conference went well, which is good since I was on the committee that planned it. After that, I headed to Cleveland to visit my best friend and her family. On the way, I got a speeding ticket for doing 78 in a 60! I can't even get angry about it since I usually drive 85 the whole way, and for as many times as I've made that 3 hour drive between Dayton and Cleveland, this is the first time I've been caught, so I say I earned all $143 of that ticket!

The visit went well, although I was a bit tired and cranky. It's so weird to me that I have friends with children. I still don't feel like I'm old enough to be left on my own, much less entrusted with another life, but it's really cool to watch this little girl grow up. And she likes me, which makes it that much cooler! :) I only hope my child will be as beautiful and intelligent, because I know the comparisons will be there when the time comes! The best part of the visit, besides seeing my best friend and having a child climb all over me for 2 days straight, was the birthday presents! My friend and I have this tradition that as long as a birthday gift is given in the correct year, then the timing doesn't really matter. It's worked for us, and I rather like it, because long after I've forgotten about my birthday, I get presents! Yep, it's all about me! Anyway, I got a stuffed white tiger from the baby. I've been sleeping with it, which is weird since I don't think I ever slept with a stuffed animal. I also got Saved on DVD. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it! And, I got a Mountain Goats CD. I've never listened to the Mountain Goats before this weekend, and I have to say, I'm liking the music. So, all in all, a very good visit, despite the screaming child in the planetarium!

Yeah, so this isn't the most exciting post ever, but these are the things that are important to me. My job, which I seriously need to reconsider, my friends, and now I'm back home where my kids are. So they're all adults and have parents of their own, but to me they've become family. They are my homies, and home is where the homies are.

Experiments in poetry

Letting go of what I never
had a hold of. It's funny
how obsession can distort
the mind. I actually believed
if I waited long enough,
held on tight enough that you

would be mine. I just wanted
someone to call my own, something
to call home. I don't know why
everyone thinks I'm so happy
on my own. I'm independent
and self-sufficient, but not

meant to be alone. Until you,
I've never met a real man.
A man's man. Until you, I
never thought I'd find that
attractive. But I didn't
realize the benefits

of that mentality. You
want to take care of those you
love. I want to be taken
care of, but it doesn't have
to be you. That's what I
finally understand.

You taught me what I needed
in a man, showed me what was
missing, pointed me in the
direction to find what
is right for me. Now I need
to let you go so you can

find what is right for you.

Another late night post

I wrote a nice long post filled with ramblings about my new life on anti-depressants, and for some reason blogger didn't like it, so it didn't post. Now I have to decide if I want to recreate it or just tell you that you would have been fascinated and now you've been robbed of the privilege of reading what amounted to me babbling about shopping and talking too much. I'm sure there was something worthwhile in the post and maybe I'll share that part at a later date, but for now just know that blogger is not always kind.

I should leave you with something, so I will recommend a book. I am currently reading a book called Hello to All That by John Falk. It his biography of his battle with depression. It's really quite interesting, but a bit choppy. The book switches between the past and the present, but the transitions are not smooth to say the least. Still, if you're interested in learning more about the personal aspects of depression, this is a good book to read.

I'm too tired to be allowed to post

So, I checked my handy dandy little counter that told me more people visited my site in the last 24 hours than in the past week, but you can't tell by looking at the comments. Is the stuff I write that uninspiring people don't have any response to it? If so, then maybe I should try being more controversial. I could start sharing my political views or my environmental activism. I could just make up stories that would get people thinking, or piss them off. Then do you think I'd get some comments? I'm not asking for much. Just a "hey, I was here" or "your blog sucks". Something so I know when the counter says 15 people hit my blog today that they didn't just read the headline and move on. I guess I can't complain too much. At least I have Laurie to converse with via the comments on each of our blogs. But, come on people, just leave a message. It doesn't hurt. I promise.

All we need is some ice cream and a hug - Bowling for Soup

I guess I owe you all an explanation for the last post. My cat was killed on Saturday. He liked to go outside, and as much as we would prefer he didn't, we never actually won that argument. So he would go out onto the patio, jump the fence and go see the world. Well, Saturday he never returned from his jaunt into the wild and when my mom found him, he was already gone. He had been attacked by a bigger animal. We took him to a vet clinic that will bury him in the local pet cemetery. I'm a little amused by the whole pet cemetery thing, but glad my cat won't be buried in the flower bed of my mom's apartment and left behind when she moves.
I got him in Muncie. He was born on my 21st birthday, which I always thought was kinda cool. He lived with me for a few years, but when we discovered I was allergic to cats, he moved in with my mom. I still claimed him as my own, but he was really her cat and she spoiled him rotten. He was 13, which is a respectable age for a cat, and he had a good life, so I'm okay. Although, I don't like that he was murdered my some homicidal animal!
As silly and as melodramatic as it sounds, he really was the love of my life. I'm going to miss him greatly!

Eliot a.k.a. Lor the Alien Eyeball Licker - R.I.P.

My baby died tonite
the love of my life
he was the son I didn't bear
He was my world
He brought light in the darkness
joy in despair
he was my beautiful boy
my first child
my first love
my first reason for being alive
the world is so ugly now
everything is so silent
rest in peace my sweet boy
in the arms of Bastet

Pieces

I started reading Tori Amos' biography, Piece by Piece, today. I'm a huge fan of hers, although I haven't always liked her music (take from the choirgirl hotel, for example). She is one of those rare musicians who is also an artist. Her music challenges me. It makes me think, it makes me feel and it makes me re-evaluate my worldview. The book is doing the same thing. She has such an interesting take on the world and herself. She's in touch with a spirituality that just freaks out the average Bible Belt bred American. But that's what intrigues me about her, the way she weaves myth, magic and the mundane world along with her own experiences and turns it into music. She is definitely an inspiration. An inspiration spiritually, musically and in my relationship with myself. It takes alot of honesty and courage to be who you are in the face of societal norms, social expectations and cultural assimilation. It takes strength of character to be who you are, even when it means being rejected by others.
That's as good a place as any to stop this rant. In the course of reading and thinking about what I was reading, I wrote a poem that I would like to share. It's not titled yet.

I'm just a woman
symbolism is not my strength
my words spill forth
full of meaning but without disguise

there are so many words
locked up inside my head
where there are too many
places to hide

when the words finally flow
they do so with simplicity
no allegory or metaphor
just a girl speaking plainly

I try to be clever
when it comes to love
I try to be obscure
when the words are written for you

but in the end
there is only truth
and those words
aren't ready yet

Email v. IQ

The Fabulous Johnson Brothers

For the first time this week I can't sleep. I was just starting to get used to my brain not being in hyperdrive and now it's back. I hope just temporarily. It's been a strange week. The anti-anxiety has made me tired all week (except for tonite, unfortunately), but calmer. A few people at work have commented that I'm less grumpy, and I'm starting to act goofy. I chased one of my students around the work room yesterday trying to tape an "I love library boys" sign on his back and tonite I pushed a book off the shelf onto another library boy. This was normal behavior for me when I was younger, but I'm supposed to be too adult to act like that now, so I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I'm letting myself have a little fun, or if I'm just getting carried away. See what I mean about the overactive mind? Otherwise, life is normal, or should I say boring.

I have a friend who is being shipped out to the United Arab Emirates tomorrow. I'm very worried about her being over there. Although she's not technically in the war zone, it's still not safe over there, especially for women. I have to admit that I admire her for her decision to join the military, since she enlisted at the age of 32. I don't agree with this war and I strongly believe we need to get out of the middle east as quickly as possible, but I have a greater respect for the people who put their lives on the line for what they believe in.

I added a new band link The Fabulous Johnson Brothers. I went to high school with these guys. I was there when the idea for a band formed in their collective consciousness before any of them could even play an instrument. I stumbled across the website the other night and was so excited I wanted to share it with anyone who will listen (or read).

I think I'm going to try this sleep thing again. Good night.

To medicate or not to medicate

Another Saturday night spent alone in my apartment. I could be out seeing Shrug again, but I'm not really in the mood. I spent most of the day asleep, which is a nice change. Now I'm enjoying a little computer time while listening to the ipod. I've loaded most of my favorites and have only used 1GB. I feel like I've fallen behind in my music collecting. Right now my new favorite is Bowling for Soup. It's just a fun CD. It makes me smile. I also bought The Killers. Some of the CD reminds me of Morrissey, who I hate with a passion, so to admit that I like the CD is huge for me. I especially like "Mr. Brightside", which I know is played on the radio too much, but I like it anyway!

Okay, for the way too personal stuff that probably shouldn't be posted for the whole world to see...I went to a psychiatrist yesterday because I haven't been sleeping well. It was an interesting experience. I basically had to recite my life history, answer a bunch of questions about the family's health and then he told me I had major depression and prescribed an anti-depressant with an anti-anxiety pill. I told my best friend about this today, and her reaction was "I don't know what I think about this." That's pretty much how I reacted when the Dr. handed me the prescription. There are many arguments and actual scientific proof in favor of anti-depressants, but I see so many people who take the medicine thinking it will fix all their problems without taking any responsibility for their lives. I don't want to be one of those people. I also don't want to be one of those people who loses all her friends because she's become such a depressing bore. So, I've joined the pill-popping generation. The anti-anxiety pills take effect immediately, so it's been strange today to actually feel relaxed and not worried about everything. I'm not even obsessing over my boy, well not much anyway. It's a strange feeling. It will take a couple weeks for the anti-depressant to take effect. I wonder if you will see a difference on the blog. It will be interesting.

Okay, time to find more music to load onto the ipod.

I am 30% Punk Rock.

Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Take the
Punk Rock Test
@ FualiDotCom

Beware of glass

I am the poster child for sleep deprivation. If you need proof, read some of the stuff I have written on here. If that's not enough for you, take into consideration the 9 stitches I got friday evening after cutting myself doing dishes. I had my hand inside a glass when it broke and attacked my hand. I knew the glass had a chip in it, but I really didn't expect it to break. Had I not been so tired, I might've thought through the process more, but you know what they say about hindsight. So instead of spending the weekend with friends, I got to lay around with my hand propped up. I suppose it's not an awful way to spend the weekend, and I got an extra day off work. It's not all bad, I guess.
I love my new computer, but I don't have a computer desk and lying on the floor typing is not the most comfortable thing, so I think I'm done for now. (boy, all you English majors out there much be cringing after that run-on!)

"Forget safety./ Live where you fear to live./ Destroy your reputation./ Be notorious./ I have tried prudent planning/ long enough./ From now/ on, I'll be mad." - Rumi

And in my madness, I bought an ipod. On a whim. Yes, I've been thinking about it. Did some research on it, but in the end I got the crazy need for an ipod yesterday so I ran to Best Buy and bought one. Not only that, but the silly people at Best Buy extended me enough credit (interest-free) to buy myself a new computer. So, I think I'm going back this week to get a PC of my very own. This has turned out to be a very expensive birthday!

Okay, maybe that isn't really what Rumi meant. But it's as close as I've been to spontaneous in a long time. What would life be like if we could really live like that? Forget societal norms. Forget others expectations. Just be crazy, be yourself. Live life by your whims, not your well thought out and documented plans. If I were to live like that this moment, I would tell the boy I have a crush on how I feel and then drive to Nashville for the weekend (with or without the boy depending on his reaction). But I can't do those things because I don't want to know how the boy feels about me, because I fully expect it is not to be what I feel for him, and I already have plans for the weekend. Rumi would be so disappointed.

Bon anniversaire

I've always been a big fan of my birthday and getting older doesn't seem to be dulling the enthusiasm any. It's been a pretty good birthday so far. Wednesday night I had dinner with the old roomies. Last night two of my student workers gave me an original, one-of-a-kind Library Boys cd that they recorded on their computer. It's great! It's so funny, but they are actually quite talented. If I could figure out how to attach a sound clip to my blog, I'd share some of it. It's the best birthday present I think I've ever gotten. The celebration continues through the weekend. Happy birthday to me!

You know what the Monty Python boys say...

I got my wisdom teeth pulled on thursday. That was the highlight of my week. Okay, so the week wasn't that bad. I got to see my brother for a whole 5 mins. on monday before he went back to Wyoming. Other than that the week pretty much sucked. After many days of stress and stupidity, I informed everyone that I was not, in fact, taking the job at the bookstore. It went fairly well. The bookstore ladies were disappointed, and my co-worker was...well, let's just say she wasn't happy. I really don't want drama in my life. It's so not necessary.
Anyway, the teeth pulling wasn't such a bad thing. It gave me a good excuse to spend the weekend on the couch wathcing Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD. I had intended to read a book or two as well, but 22 episodes of Buffy plus commentary take alot of time. I only managed 12, as well as a couple episodes of Red Dwarf. I also made the mistake of watching the Rock flick Walking Tall. I should really read a book now.

So, the week sucked, my teeth hurt, and my life is becoming more dramatic than I care for. As they say, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Days like these...

It's been a rough week. One of my co-workers tried to engineer my departure from the library. There is an opening in the bookstore for an assistant manager, so she went to the manager and told her I was interested without consulting me. The manager then went to her boss and everyone got excited that they would be able to hire from within without ever discussing the idea with me. Because I was feeling trapped, I decided to inquire about the position, thinking that if I'm obviously not wanted where I'm at I'd look to see if I should take the job. The job would require long hours, is salaried so I wouldn't get paid for the long hours, there is no pay raise or extra time off. There are no advantages to taking this job at all, not even the satisfaction of having a job that I like better. I talked to my mom about it, who was appalled I was being so meek. She told me her daughter would stay where she was out of spite! Well, I am staying, but not out of spite necessarily. If I decide to take another job, it will be on my terms and it will be a job I want to do, not just something I take to get away from a rabid co-worker. I'm sure the situation won't be improved by my decision, but she shouldn't be allowed to control my life like that. I don't cope well with hostility, and would prefer to just not have to deal, but if I'm staying I guess I'm going to have to learn.

On a happier note, I bought myself an early birthday present: an electric bass. I feel so much more comfortable with the bass than the guitar (10 years of violin and cello may be a contributing factor). It just makes me happy! Especially after learning the bassline to "I believe in a thing called love" by The Darkness last night. This is a good thing!

An uphill battle just got steeper

The National Trust

During my college years I managed to insinuate myself into the music scene at Ball State. I have many fond memories of bands long dead like Neurotic Box, Crank Pin and Fire Hydrant, Man (a Matt Hart band that for some reason is not on his bio. hmm...). Another band presumed dead was Freaks of Nature, or FON for short. They were a local favorite. Although they technically broke up my freshman year, they had several reunions, so I was privileged enough to see them play many times. Newly resurrected, FON is now The National Trust. I'm very excited to hear this new incarnation that includes Kris Roe of The Ataris. They will be releasing a cd sometime this year, but if you would like to listen to a preview check out their my space page.

And now for a word from our sponsors...

My 4 years of signing petitions against oil drilling in protected areas has begun. Please support the National Resource Defense Council's attempt to stop oil and gas drilling in Wyoming.

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. --Unknown

The sickness has finally caught up with me. I've survived all winter without a cold, and now that we're down to the end I get one. At least it's break week here, so I can suffer in relative solitude. I'm so melodramatic.

I went to see Movin' Out Saturday in Cincinnati. It was a good show. The dancing was phenomenal. Not that I'm really all that knowledgeable about such things, but it was fun to watch.
After the show, I went to my cousin's house to discuss the trip to Yellowstone this summer. About 45 minutes into the discussion my cousin decides she doesn't want to go because it's just too much nature for her. 3 days staying in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with only buffalo (and her family) to keep her company just didn't sound appealing to her. It sounds like heaven to me (except for the family part). The mountains and waterfalls, the wildlife and geysers, what more could you ask for from a vacation? She didn't like the idea of being so far removed from civilization. I love my cousin. She is an exceptionally cool person, except when it comes to vacation.

And speaking of nature. On my way out of town Sat. I saw a peregrine falcon sitting by the side of the road in the suburbs. I see falcon quite often on the highway, but this was the first time I've seen one in the city. I don't know why this was important to mention, but I feel better now.

When I got home Sat. night, a couple of my library boys came to my apartment for our first unofficial band practice. There's still a bit of teaching Erin how to play the guitar happening, but we actually wrote a song. Then one of them got the bright idea that we need to put together a cd, recorded on his computer, of course, since anything we write will hold no interest for anyone other than us. It's a concept piece, you see, all songs about working in the library. So we were all given the assignment of writing 3 songs this week. A task I feel is unrealistic for the lyrically challenged person such as myself, but I did manage to write a song today. It's a love song for the electric guitar I'm babysitting while it's owner is enjoying his mid-term break (we can't actually call it a spring break when it's the beginning of March). I'm sure he and the rest of the library boys band will find it very disturbing, but I think it's hilarious! "I cradle you in my arms/I stroke your neck/I pull your strings/I turn you on/ready to hear you scream". It's just so awful it's funny! I'm not so sure it's 19 year-old owner will find it quite so amusing considering it's his boss writing these things. It's probably crossing the lines of appropriate behavior actually, so I might not share it with them. It depends on how many more songs I manage to write this week. Anyone got any ideas?

End of the February blues...I hope

I'm at work against my will today. I desperately wanted to stay home, finish the book I'm reading and catch up on some chores that I ignored this weekend. But I had to remind myself if I want to take my trip to Wyoming in June, I have to work now. I only have so much vacation time, so I'm here trying to make the best of it.
The weekend was fairly enjoyable, but busy. Friday night I had an impromptu guitar lesson in the co-ed lounge and something just clicked. I've been struggling to learn guitar for a long time, and something about Friday night got me past the mental block. I've been playing every chance I get, making up songs since I can't play anything real yet. Thank goodness for tabs. My new favorite site is guitar tab universe. Although, until I can master chord transitions other than g, a and e I can't really learn anything interesting. Saturday I went on a Temple retreat where my rabbi told me I should be in a metal band. I found this immensely funny.
The retreat itself was okay. It wasn't what I expected, although I'm not really sure what I expected. It was held at the Bergamo Center which is a beautiful place, but kind of a strange choice for a group of Jews. I don't know that I really learned anything other than the disfunctional relationship between the clergy, but I'm still glad I went. And I might wander around Mount Saint John sometime when I have nothing better to do.
Saturday night, I went to see Shrug again. They played with Watershed, a band from Columbus. It was a good night, with good music and the crowd was much more animated than I'm used to at Canal Street. Even the singer, who is almost stoic on stage was more energetic than I've seen him before. Granted, I'm a late comer to the scene, so maybe he's just been in a funk the past few times I've seen them, but it was nice to see him look like he was enjoying himself. And now that I'm attempting to learn guitar, I'm watching hands trying to figure out chords and keys. The musician has been awakened. Beware!
Sunday was spent at the Flea Market hoping to find a very cheap electric guitar. Unfortunately, very cheap meant piece of crap, so I'll try a pawn shop sometime. I don't see the point of paying for a brand new guitar until I know I can play it.
Wow, this is downright verbose compared to the past couple months. I hope this really does mean that the winter blues are over, even if more snow is on the way.

****Haloscan seems to have returned and is working properly again, so comments are once open to anyone and everyone.

Haloscan freaked out on us this past week, so I made some changes to my blog to get blogger comments back. I don't like that only blogger members can leave messages, but few people outside my blogging circle bothered anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. I wanted to change the whole blog. I looked through the templates blogger offers and they all look like resumes. I might do some searching later for other blog skins, but this will do for now.

I know I've been silent for the past couple weeks, but I still don't have anything interesting to say. I'm having a bit of a personal crisis that I can't really talk about here, and there's nothing else happening in my world to entertain you with. In the meantime, let me leave you with a some musical selections that have been getting me through my battle with the February blahs and Valentine's confusion:

Sick of myself by Matthew Sweet; all of the Green Day American Idiot CD; My newest discovery The Darkness - a band that reminds me so much of my high school hairband days, how could I not like them?; Fiona Apple Tidal, which I listened to for about a week straight. I hated this CD when it first came out and now it's like an obsession. Another recently redisovered blast from the past- Tracy Bonham. And finally, a man my brother introduced me to Richard Cheese.

So there you have it, my SAD therapy to get me through until spring. And hopefully sometime soon, I'll have something more interesting to write about.

I haven't posted much lately. I haven't been in the mood to write, really. Nothing exciting is happening in my world and my inner dialogue isn't appropriate for public consumption at this point in time, so what do I say? I'm only writing this much as a desperate attempt to avoid the Super Bowl. Although, now I'm feeling very lonely since the entire dorm is in the lobby watching the game. Do I endure the torture that is american football, or do I sit alone in my office feeling sorry for myself? Well, maybe I'll go back down for the halftime show. I wouldn't mind seeing Paul McCartney. I'm so glad football season is over after this!
That's all for tonite. Aren't you so glad I decided to share?

random post

Lately my blog has received several referrals from yahoo searches for things like "redheads and braces" or something similar involving redheads. Now, being the somewhat naive girl that I am, I decided to recreate one of these searches the other day. I'm sure some of you are way ahead of me here, but I will tell you I was shocked by the results of my search. I didn't realize men were so particular about their pornography that they'd go looking specifically for redheads and the braces thing is just disgusting (for those of you as naive as me, they are not referring to orthodonture). Then I got a little giggle out of the fact that some of these sicko's found my blog and probably got excited "ohh, a redhead dancing" only to be disappointed by what they saw.
Ah, the internet. Isn't it a wonderful thing?

"nice customs court'sy to great kings" - Shakespeare

Saturday evening I went to see Henry V at Cincinnati Shakespeare Festival. It was a pretty good production. Not great praise, I realize, but about as good as it deserves. I want to go back in March to see Much Ado About Nothing. It's supposed to be set after WWII, so it should be an interesting interpretation. When I got home, several students were having a snowball fight in front of the dorm. Two of my library boys were involved and they decided to get me as I was walking in, so I joined the fight. It was alot of fun! It's been years since I've been in a snowball fight.

If you are in the Dayton, OH area and have nothing better to do on a friday night, stop by Temple Beth Or for our 20th anniversary service. The choir (which includes yours truly) will be performing A Klezmer Service by Jose Bowen. It should be fun, even for those of the non-Jewish persuasion.

I know most people don't take horoscopes seriously. In my youth, when I dabbled in the occult, I studied and became a novice practitioner in the art of astrology. I have long since abandoned those beliefs, but I still get enjoyment out of reading horoscopes, if only to laugh at how badly they're done. My favorite is free will astrology, because the title says it all. Read with skepticism; you're still in control, but here's a head's up. I'm subscribed to his weekly mailing. It's the highlight of my wednesday morning to read his advice for the week. After my obsessive episode this week, I read in the horoscope: "If necessary, have a no-nonsense conversation with yourself in which you discuss all the reasons why the satisfaction of that longing is not at all crucial to your happiness or well-being, and why, therefore, you will never again indulge in a serious fantasy about it." Do think someone, somewhere is trying to tell me something?

Warning: candid female content

Sometimes I wish fewer men read this site so I could complain more about the pitfalls of being a woman, such as monthly hormone shifts. Although I know you all can relate. Anyone who has ever lived with a woman understands these things. I absolutely hate it! (And this is usually when I write the strangest and most embarrassing posts, tonite being no exception.) I don't comprehend why I cannot control my emotions or actions for that week. Why I always make the biggest fool of myself with boys that week. Why I even care about boys that week, when most of the time I can convince myself I'm perfectly happy being single. But for some reason, I'm terribly upset about that fact right now. And I'm fixated on someone, who on paper is the perfect man, but in reality is absolutely wrong for me. Okay, I'm not going any further with this.
I know all the biological reasons for it. I get that the balance of progesterone and estrogen change during menstruation and that plays havoc with one's emotions. I just don't understand why it has to be to the point that all judgment, reason, and rationality vacate the premises during the process.

Does this scare anyone else?

This blog journalism? You've got to be kidding me!

Ain't America grand?

Surreal Life

I am not a fan of reality television. I have not seen more than 5 minutes of Survivor, avoid the matchmaking shows like the plague and although I had two roommates addicted to American Idol, I managed to get through the entire season with minimal exposure. But to say that I am not a fan of reality tv is somewhat of a lie. I LOVE What Not to Wear, still watch Trading Spaces on occasion and find myself watching While You Were Out more often than I care to admit. Are these shows not considered reality tv also? They may be more acceptable in the grand scheme of bad television, but the fact remains, they are reality tv. If we hold to the old theory that trying one little innocuous thing leads to more and stronger stuff (insert drug analogy here), then TLC started an addiction that Bravo is feeding on. Yes, I will admit to watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I even checked out the new Queer Eye for the Straight Girl this week. I can rationalize this behavior with excuses that these shows do have some redeeming value. Although I can't think of any off the top of my head, I'll make the argument anyway. I knew I had a problem, though, when I started watching Bravo's Project Runway. For those not familiar with this show, they take aspiring clothes designers, give them near impossible tasks to accomplish in no time, then their clothes are modeled for judges. Whoever designs the worse piece of clothing gets kicked out. So basically, it's Survivor in the Banana Republic. I don't know why this show appeals to me. I don't know why I'm admitting this.
To read this, one might think I spend most of my time in front of the tv. That's not true. Throughout the week, I'm not home enough to even turn on my tv. The weekends, however, are another story. I love my DVR. I can keep up with Alias even though I'm rarely home by 9:00 on Wednesday nights. I can record QE for guys and girls. I can record anything and everything, then watch it all on Sun. afternoon. Yeah, so I'm still frying my brain, but at least I'm not getting daily exposure!

And so it begins... Again.

It's the first day of the semester. The students are all back and the drama has started. You know, this experience in the hands of a competent writer would be amazing. Life just isn't this interesting or dramatic after college. Well, I guess for some people it is, but they just get scary after awhile. Between living in a college dorm in my 30's and the 2 years I spent working in a prison, I have some amazing ideas for stories, but I'm not able to write them. When I worked at the prison, I would burn certain events and observations into my memory thinking someday I will have to write about this. I still remember with perfect clarity walking through the cafeteria at lunchtime watching the guys file through, the smell, the sounds, the guards. If I could conjure the elements of fear, oppression, rage and resignation with words, or the lingering smell of stale cigarette smoke that just clung to the walls, or experience of walking through the crash gates every morning and the anxiety caused by hearing them close behind you knowing you're spending the next 8 hous behind bars, but I don't know that I could ever convincingly put that experience into words. It's just too emotionally charged, and I can't describe emotion. Hell, most of the time I don't recognize an emotion when I feel it, so how am I supposed to write about it?
Sometimes I think there isn't much difference between college students and inmates. In both environments there is an element of "I don't give a fuck". In a prison setting, there is the false security of thinking you're the one in charge -- 2000 inmates, 200 employees working at any given time, less overnight. We're only in control because they let us. It's the same concept in a college dorm. As much as we adults like to believe that we're in control, the students only follow the rules because they choose to. And when you have a handful of students, like we have this year, who choose not to, well... then all hell breaks loose. And when it's a small dorm where the girls outnumber the boys 4 to 1, it just makes the world that much more interesting. It doesn't help that most of these boys are little cuties. And these are the most aggresive girls I've ever seen. It's pretty sad when the guys have to hide because they are afraid of the girls, but it's actually gotten to that point. It's an interesting dynamic. Maybe someday I'll find a way to write about it.

Sanity reigns

I thought I should try to write something thoughtful and somewhat intelligent after my novocain experiment yesterday, but I don't have much to say. For those of you who did read my novocain induced nonsense, I'm sorry. I was bored and couldn't talk, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I decided during my week off that I don't dislike my job as much as I thought I did. It's my boss I don't like. And, man, am I feeling that this morning! It's only an hour 1/2 into the workday and she's already driving me nuts! The beginning of the week was so pleasant without her here. I need to learn to ignore it and go on with my day, but she just picks and taunts until I want to lash out. I really don't like her!

Earlier this week I was dreading the return of the student body, but today I'm almost looking forward to it (if only because my student workers will return and I can get back to doing my own work instead of theirs!).

The boss is prowling again, I should get back to work.

Later that same day...

I decided to finish this entry after work hours. Novel concept, eh?

I didn't realize how much a week off revitalized a person. The week went by so quickly that I didn't really feel rested when it was over, but it has definitely made a difference. I think I've accomplished more this week that I have in the past couple months!

Having talked with several friends my age lately, I've decided that I've reached an age (yes J, I actually said it, I've reached an age) when nostalgia sets in and everything college is rosey and perfect. I don't know what it is about the early to mid-thirties that makes college "the good ole days", but almost everyone I know is getting all gooey over their college days. I guess there is some merit to it: rediscovering joys that have gotten lost in adult world. It's what made me decide to go out and discover the Dayton music scene. I loved live music and hanging out with musicians when I was younger. Just being an observer of the scene has enlivened me. However, there is a fine line between rediscovering things that brought you joy in your youth and trying to relive that youth. I guess that's what a midlife crises is all about, a denial of getting older and trying to act like a teenager again. Sometimes I think being in a college environment is not good for me, because I can live in a constant state of denial. I can act like I'm 18 and no one really bats an eye. I need to learn how to be an adult without losing the things that bring me joy. Being an adult doesn't have to suck. It's not always fun, but there is no law that once you become an adult everything has to be serious and you are required to sit at home alone every saturday night. I only know 2 kinds of adults, marrieds with kids who can't get out and people who think they're still 21 and party all the time.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, and if I continue I could be typing all night. I'm just trying to say that I need to learn how to merge the 2 concepts, being a mature, responsible adult who still knows how to have fun. I've got the responsible thing down. I've been nothing but responsible for many years now in an attempt to make up for many years of irresponsible, but I don't have the mature thing mastered and I need to learn to have more fun.

I'm not sure this is any better than last nights novocain induced ramblings (I had a root canal yesterday, I'm not just sucking on novocain for enjoyment), but again, it will do for now.

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.- Neil Gaiman

I have half a mind to get all reflective and philosophical on you, but I'll save it. I hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday season and 2005 brings you many blessings!

Happy Festivus!

For the first time in the four years I've worked for this stupid (Christian) college, I actually get vacation for Christmas! I'm not going anywhere, but it will be nice to not have to work for a week. I think I might just sleep until New Year's!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etc.

Winter Wonderland

The first snow of the season and it's a winter storm. I like snow, but I prefer it when I don't have theater tickets in Cincinnati. I was going to see Jacob Marley's Christmas Carol at Cincinnati Shakespeare Festival starring Giles Davies of The National Trust (formerly Muncie's own Freaks of Nature). With 6 inches on the ground and more coming, I don't think I'm making the trek to Cincy tonite. I was really looking forward to seeing Giles on stage again. *sigh*

I guess it's a good night for reading. I'll be Slipping into Paradise with Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson.
Enjoy the snow!

Happy Solstice!

"I want some wills, the won'ts can go to hell" - Shrug

I've been down most of the week, then I got the following email from my best friend. It's one of those silly surveys about yourself, except your friends fill it out about you. It made me smile, so I thought I'd share it.

Where did we meet: Middle school, gym or hallway
How long have you known me: Since 7th grade, which makes it more years than I care to count.
What's one of my favorite things to do: Work in a library (hehe). Okay, sing and read crazy fantasy like books and look for gems and write innermost thoughts on your blog and write poetry.
Do you remember one of the first things I said to you: I'm going to take a stab at "Hi. I'm Erin."
What's my favorite type of music: Weirdo bands that no one's heard of, which I too would have liked at one time (before I lost the COOL). Oh, and bands put together by guys you knew at Ball State.
What is the best feature about me: Personality: sense of spirituality and ability to remain friends with someone who isn't good enough for you; Physically: green eyes and red hair, you bitch
Am I shy or outgoing: neither
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules: both
What's your favorite memory of me: Too many. Going to pick out Heather's on a whim and eating Killer Brownies. Drive from the Def Leppard concert. Not so favorite memory: you driving me back to Yellow Springs while tailgating a semi. Oh, the question didn't ask that. Other memories: staying over at your house most of our junior year and getting candy cigarettes and watching for the Rejects. Singing in the car. Not so favorite memory: railroad signs coming straight at us. Oh, the question didn't ask that. Another favorite memory: when we laugh at that time when we were 33 and I made you mad making cracks about your driving in an email and you didn't talk to me for weeks but I finally called you up and sang Poison's "I Won't Forget You" into the telephone and you totally forgot why you were mad.--I'm still waiting for this!
Any special talents: Singing, writing, librarying, being patient and understanding and forgiving, driving (haha)

I know all of this means nothing to those of you who don't know me, but I wanted some reassurance that when the world is not kind (and trust me, the world has not been kind to me this week) that my friends still love me. Even if my driving leaves something to be desired.

And, Mr. Critic, can we not tell your wife I posted her email?

"I'll see what you're made of by what you make of me" - Ani DiFranco

I went to a cheerleading competition Saturday afternoon. I know what you're thinking, "what's a rational adult doing at a cheerleading competition?" Trust me, I asked myself that very question several times throughout the afternoon, but I was there to see two of my student workers who were competing in an open collegiate squad. It was actually pretty cool once I got over the cheerleading aspect of it. Some of those squads were amazing! And of course my boys did a great job. I was very impressed!

Saturday night saw me at another Shrug show. Actually it was a release party for the Dayton After Dark compilation CD. There were 4 bands there with very distinct sounds: Sleepybird,
Days without End, Shrug, and My Latex Brain (the website wasn't working). It was an interesting show. I arrived towards the end of Sleepybird's set, but I was impressed with what little I saw, especially the theremin. I've never seen one played live before. It was f*&king cool! Days without End was pretty good. They had a substitute singer who did a phenomenal job. Then it was Shrug's turn. They were great as usual. And finally My Latex Brain played, and they kicked ass! It was all metal, angry, bass-driven, head-bangin' rock-n-roll. It was the kind of band I would've followed around when I was 18. Now, I'm following around Shrug. Well, for the last three weeks anyway. It's amazing how much I've mellowed out, but at least I still have decent taste in music!

I've added a few new links. My friend resident jason's band is working on their first indie label CD, so I thought I'd post a link to their site. Mona is the band that opened for Shrug the first of the three weekends I went to see them play. They are this year's winner of the Dayton battle of the bands, and they are awesome! Finally, because I'm in need of a little feminist perspective and she helped out today, I added a link to Ani DiFranco. I also added Neil Gaiman's main webpage under authors, although you can get to it from his journal. I just thought Sherman was getting lonely there all by himself. I really need to do something with the authors, but I don't read mainstream kind of stuff and I don't think Rumi needs a website.

This is longer than it needs to be. I'll shut up now.

***I should've posted this sooner, but I would like to publicly thank Shrug for posting a link to this blog from their website. I think my exact words were, "that's so cool", which it is. Thank you.

I changed the comments field so you no longer have to have a blogger account to leave a comment, but in the process it deleted the comments that were already there. Sorry guys! I hope this works.

There are more updates on the way.

Happy Chanukah!

And now this little Jewish girl is off to the college Christmas party...

Won't you be my neighbor?

I am a very bad dorm supervisor. The boys were having a popcorn fight that escalated to putting shaving cream on each other's doors to a water fight, and all I did was watch and laugh. Now, purely out of guilt for not stopping them, I feel the need to make them clean up the mess. We'll see what happens. They're all playing innocent now. Boys!

Last night I went to see "an evening with Shrug". Shrug has been around Dayton for a long time, but I'm relatively new to the fold. I've known about the band for a couple years, but due to work, life or whatever excuse I could think up at the time, I haven't been to a show until recently. I'll be completely honest, the band has had to grow on me. The first time I saw them play I thought they were decent, but wasn't incredibly impressed. However, after seeing them 2 weekends in a row, I am now in awe! This band is amazing! As a fan of the pop-punk genre where musical talent isn't always required, it's refreshing to see a band with actual ability. Last night they played 3 sets, the first of which was acoustic. I very much enjoyed the acoustic set, although at one point I was feeling covetous of the stand up bass (it's my favorite instrument. After years of playing violin and cello, I tried to get my orchestra teacher to let me play bass, but he didn't believe in girls playing bass. anyway...) The second and third set brought the electric instruments back and the music was played as it was intended. I sat in my corner and watched as the crowd started to get into the show. By the third set, everyone was up dancing and singing along. Even I was doing a little chair dancing. I couldn't help it, the energy was contagious. It's amazing how much difference the crowd makes for a performance!

The boys have all sequestered themselves in their respective rooms pretending to be studying. I should probably go encourage them to clean the popcorn out of the carpet before they get too comfortable.

Who said private education is better?

So I just heard a conversation in the hall that went somewhat along these lines:

Where did you go for Thanksgiving?
I just went home.
Where's home?
Washington DC.
Wow, that's a long drive!
Not that bad, it's only 8 hours.
Nuh uh!
Yeah.
You mean Washington, like where the president lives?
Yeah.
That's on the complete other side of the country.
It's not that far from here.
But it takes forever to get to Oregon.
DC is on the east coast.
You're talking about Washington where the president lives?
Yeah, it's between Maryland and Virginia.
Washington?
Yeah, not Washington State, DC!
I don't understand. Where's Washington DC?

At this point I couldn't help but step out into the hallway and ask incredulously, "are you serious?" Which she was. Completely. So I found a map on the internet, and she said, "wow, I guess you really do learn new stuff at school!" New!? That is new to her?! That the President of the United States lives in Washington DC, on the east coast, not Washington State! That's the private education system at work for you. Think of that before you sign your children up for Christian education.
As the students were leaving the office the one turns to the other and says, "let's keep this our little secret". Secret, yeah right!

Thanksgiving with the family. Need I say more? I barely had my coat off before my grandmother started with the "when are you getting married" tirade, "I want to go to a wedding before I die". See, my grandmother is 88 and convinced she won't see another Thanksgiving. Granted she had been convinced of this for the past 5 years, but she has decided that this is it, and I need to get married. Only me. She didn't start on my cousins, who, by the way, are all older than me. She almost started on my brother, but only half-heartedly. No, I am the grandchild that needs to get married. This year. To a complete stranger if that's what it takes. She offered to set me up with her mailman, and a very nice cab driver who told her he wanted to meet a nice redheaded woman. Thank goodness she lives in KY, or I might find strange men at my doorstep. So I need to find myself a nice boy (it used to be a nice Jewish boy, but she is so desperate for me to get married she doesn't care about the Jewish part anymore) and get married within the next 6 months or so. No problem.
Other than that, Thanksgiving was great. My brother drove home from WY, so it made for a very special holiday. We haven't seen him in 2 years. The family is even planning a trip to visit him next June. It will be interesting to see how many of them follow through.
It's late. Must sleep.

I don't know if I can put into words what I'm thinking or feeling right now. Have you ever had the experience of being in a moment and suddenly realizing who you are? Actually, not realizing, remembering. I was that person once, but I've strayed so far from that path I had forgotten how much I liked her, and how much I miss her. How can I get that person back? I have to reevaluate my life and make some decisions about where to go from here. I would have to go back to the beginning and start over if I am to become that person again. I don't know if I have the guts. It's so much easier to be the responsible adult and sacrifice myself to the grind than to try to do what I know I have always wanted to do.
I'm about the same age now that my dad was when he had to make the same decision. The difference is, I don't have a family to take care of. Not that it bothered him much, he left anyway. Spent 10 years traveling the country with just his motorcycle and his guitar, playing covers in any dive that would give him a cut. It amazes me sometimes how much I am like a man I never really knew, but I am him. My family says I'm a clone of my mom, and if you see the two of us together it is a little frightening how much we look alike, but I've always acted more like my dad. My brother got the talent and I got the desire to make a living out of it. It hardly seems fair, but that is life, as they say.
When I started college as a music major, my mother was horrified. When she learned all that went into the music engineering degree, she was a little relieved by the calculus and physics requirements. She thought that I would have some hope of finding a job when the music thing bottomed out on me. Supportive, huh? But she sent me a card later in the year with some joke about marrying a rock star, and under it she wrote "don't just marry a rock star, be one". Sometimes I think I should've taken that advice. Of course, how many people go to college to be rock stars? It's been so long since I've taken that idea seriously. I can't play anymore. I haven't written a song in years. How can I start over now? But tonite, sitting around my apartment, listening to one of my students playing my guitar and singing along, I realized, this is who I am. I will never be happy pretending to be a librarian, or whatever other profession I try to throw myself into. Music is the only thing that gets to me. I don't have a passion for helping people find books or research articles. But turn on the radio and I'm completely lost to the world. Nothing else exists except that song.
As Oprah says, find your passion and live it. Maybe this time I will take the advice.

It's the cities, stupid

Yes, more politics, but this is interesting. I don't agree with everything in the article. Being from the heartland and a person of faith (that sounds so weird when applied to me), I don't see those things as being mutually exclusive to being educated, reasonable, realistic and liberal. He has a good point, however. I've always known that living in an urban setting was better than then country, but I never stopped to think about the political advantages. And I must say, I'm very happy to see that Jackson WY voted for Kerry. Jackson, for those of you who don't know, is the home of our "glowering" VP (and my brother) and one of the most beautiful places in the US.

Wow, that didn't take long

It seems we're already losing ground. This is a secular society? Whatever.

I thought I'd post something new since it's been almost a week, but I got nothing. I'm a bit on the anti-social side right now, so I'm not feeling very communicative. If I don't post for awhile, that's why.

I watched Bill Maher last night. Sometimes the man annoys me to no end. He has a tendency to badger his guests until they say what he wants them to say, but last night was a pretty good program. He had Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on to talk about his new book and the environment. For those of you who don’t know, RFK Jr. is an environmental crusader, and I get regular email from him to sign petitions or email my congressmen about the latest environmental attack by our oil drilling administration. Bill reported that the environment is not an issue in this election, and asked Robert whose fault that is-the republicans, the democrats, or the media. The answer is the media. He said that in 1988, Reagan abolished the fairness act that regulated how the media reported the news. Meaning that before 1988, the media had a responsibility to report what the American people needed to know to be an informed citizenry. After 1988, as RFK Jr. put it, the media became a for-profit industry only reporting on what appealed to our reptilian brains - violence, sex, fear-mongering and the local weather. So basically, we only get to know the information that best appeals to the most people. That thought makes me appreciate people like Bill Maher (attitude and all), and Jon Stewart all the more. I don’t bother with the news anymore (unless it’s Anderson Cooper, but then I’m not really watching for the news). I find the farcical Daily Show to be more informative than the 6:00 news. But I’m getting off the subject here. I do wonder, though, why the environment has not received more attention. This has been the worst environmental president in the history of the US. You’d think Kerry and Edwards would try to capitalize on that.
After his interview with RFK Jr., Bill had his guests talking about the election and of course the subject of national security came up. The best quote of the night came when Bill was attacking the people who question Kerry’s ability to defend the US. Bradley Whitford from the West Wing said, “how many times do you have to be shot in the ass before you’re more rough and tumble than a cheerleader from Andover?” That pretty much sums it up!

I have been intending to write about my 15-year high school reunion for a while. It was two weeks ago, and I still can’t find the words to describe the experience. It’s so bizarre to walk into a room full of people you grew up with and not recognize most of them. And then to see people your own age and have them be so old! It was surreal. But seeing those people again brought back so many memories from childhood, although not necessarily high school. I keep thinking of the house I grew up in, the acres of woods in my back yard, the cornfield at the end of the street and the man-made pond across the street. We were explorers in the woods, tracked deer through the cornfields and created our own Paradise Island on a little inlet of the pond. We spent so much time in the trees that we actually learned to navigate our way around the little island without ever touching the ground. We would play this game in the winter after the pond froze to see who could get the closest to the hotspring without falling in, which meant inevitably some one would fall in. I spent several winters on that frozen pond dreaming of becoming the next Dorothy Hamill. I used to complain about living in a tiny little town, but you can’t do those things in the suburbs.
I admit high school was pretty boring. The social highlight was going to Pizza Hut after the football game. Then, when we were driving, the weekends were spent cruising up and down Main Street listening to hair bands. When I think of high school, I think of orchestra, choir and theater. I think of HeadBangers Ball after school and spending the night at my best friends house, cursing all her siblings come Sunday morning when they’re all up and loud and I’m still trying to sleep. The people at that reunion were not in any of those memories. They were cheerleaders and wannabes. They were the people who, for the most part, never left small town, oh. They were the people who called us freaks in high school because we didn’t subscribe to their idea of “normal”. Well, if normal means you become miserable and get old before your time, then I’ll stay abnormal, thank you very much. We are all way to young to be that old!

I know nobody cares, but I have to share this anyway. If anyone out there is schooled in dream interpretation, please tell me what this means.
I dreamt I was being attacked by the aflac duck demanding tollhouse cookies. WTF?!

How can Bush say he believes in promoting a culture of life when he had the highest execution rate in the country when he was governor of Texas?

The college began construction on a new building earlier this summer. Sometime last week, while preparing the ground to lay new wire, the construction guys cut the cable to the entire dorm, including my apartment. I did not notice this until Friday, since I spent most of the week happily inside a book (American Gods by Neil Gaiman for those of you keeping track). However, when I turned my television on Friday night, I discovered the lack of BBC America. This made me so sad that I decided to watch Amelie instead, for some reason thinking that watching a French movie was the same thing as studying for the French test I bombed Saturday morning. Anyway, through the course of this I forgot about the Presidential debates. It sounds like I missed an interesting evening. Although, I'm not good at watching debates. I usually get so frustrated with the spinning that I end up changing the channel and this debate sounded painful, what with the ranting crazy man and all. Probably just as well I missed it. I can get all the info I need in print without having to hear raised voices. I'm very pleased to note that all political conversation has ceased at work. They have apparently reached an unspoken understanding that they all disagree and therefore do not need to discuss the topic any further.

I'm am writing this for the very first time from my own apartment. I think I like having a computer at home. It alleviates a lot of guilt. No more am I breaking into my office after hours to play online. I'm not abusing company equipment for personal entertainment. Nope, now I can go anywhere I want online without a little eye popping up to remind me I'm using the company's internet. Yes, this is a good thing.

The debates have started, and I’m not talking about the candidates. Everywhere I go today, people are talking politics. I’m staying out of it this time. I’ve sequestered myself in my office to avoid being drawn into the conversation, because it’s not really conversation. It’s become, “I’m right, you’re wrong and I’m going to keep shouting at you until you agree with me”. These interactions have all the fervor of religious conviction. It’s rather frightening, actually. When did we deify government? Who says Rome is dead? We’re not electing a president; we’re crowning Caesar to go conquer the barbarians. No, the conversation has become too charged for me. I know which candidate I’m voting for. I have my reasons for voting this way, and if someone is not willing to rationally discuss their point of view, then I don’t want any part of it.

I had intended to stay in hiding until I could behave like a rational and intelligent human being again, but realized over the weekend that if I were to wait for that I might as well take the whole thing down now and call it a day. No, instead I am going to continue with my uninformed and overly emotional ranting.
Recently, the Presbyterian Church issued an overture encouraging the peaceful resolution of the problems in the Middle East. We were informed of this overture on Yom Kippur, and after 20+ hours of fasting, it’s easy to misinterpret this document, and if one is already prone to over-reacting (me, reactionary?), it’s even easier to jump into the fray with both guns blazing. But I did something unprecedented today. I actually went looking for more information before forming an opinion. Read the Overture here, and the addendum here. Upon second reading, it doesn’t state Israel is solely to blame, although it’s not kind to Israel, either.
Part of the reason Jews, at least Jews in academia who pay attention to these things, are concerned about this is because of the rising tide of anti-Semitism in western Europe and the fear it will find a home here in the states. So, I went to the religion instructor and asked if he felt there was a legitimate threat. Having studied in Germany for his degree in theology, he has some foundation upon which to speak. He said it is hard to put into words that amount of anti-Semitism that still exists in Germany and France, but I have no problem believing it. Anti-Semitism is a part of the cultural make-up in Western Europe and even the atrocities of WWII cannot change a worldview that is so pervasive and ingrained as anti-Semitism in Europe. That’s like saying the Civil Rights movement in the 60’s eliminated racism. But, what about here? He believes it could be a step towards a display of anti-Semitism in the states, but not necessarily the cause. I then went to my Presbyterian friend, who tried to defend her church by saying that they do a lot of mission work in Palestine and feel that something needs to be done, especially for Palestinian Christians who see the hate from both sides. Okay, I get this.
I get impatient with Jews who believe I have to whole-heartedly support Israel, just because it is Israel. It’s a democratic state, and her citizens have the right to agree or disagree with their government just as we do. I don’t agree with Sharon’s policies. I don’t agree with building a security fence or military attacks in response to a single suicide bomber. And I most certainly don’t agree with the terrorist activities of the Palestinians. But it’s easy for me to say in my relative safety that I disagree with their tactics. How would I feel if I woke up everyday wondering if the suicide bomber will visit me today, or if they will blow up my child’s school bus, or if the tanks are going to roll into the settlement because my idiot neighbor decided to kill himself while trying to annihilate a couple Israelis? I appreciate the fact that the Presbyterian Church has some knowledge base for this overture, but is it really their place to enter into this political struggle? Is it even fair to call it political? It’s surpassed politics and even religion.
I think I’m going to spend some time over the next few months educating myself more on this subject, and I would really appreciate some feedback from those of you more knowledgeable than I.

Thought I'd peak my head above ground long enough to tell you about the midpoint music festival, which will only do you any good if you're in the Cincinnati area this weekend. While you're there, be sure to check out Shrug.

Also, tomorrow starts banned books week. Check out the list and find yourself a good book to read.

That's it. Back to my hiding place.

More Stupidity...

I toppled over an entire filing cabinet full of artist files while volunteering at the art institute this morning.

Excuse me while I crawl under a rock. I may resurface one day.

I've added a new link: late reviews and latest obsessions. It's a blog of very outdated reviews of audiobooks, but it's not as dry as it sounds. Trust me. It's written by the husband of my best friend, who is also a friend in his own right. With his scathing wit and a command of the english language I can never hope to achieve, his blog is as entertaining as it is educational.

L'shanah tovah!

I spent the entire weekend at the Ohio Renaissance Festival. Not that I wanted to spend the entire weekend at RenFest, but I didn't have a choice.

Saturday I went to a wedding. I have always made fun of people who got married at RenFest, and will probably continue to do so, but it was actually a beautiful wedding. A bit too theatrical for my tastes, but beautiful nonetheless. The groom was escorted by a celtic drummer. The bride was escorted by bagpipes and she entered the church under a sword salute. The minister, who is the husband of a friend, quoted Princess Bride throughout the ceremony, but it was lost on most people. It was fun to see all the people from work who are normally too uptight for these kinds of activities at the festival. Some even dressed in costume! The reception was interesting. How many people can say they ate a turkey leg at a wedding reception? Afterwards, me and the girls walked around, looked in the shops and got henna tattoos. All in all, a decent day.

Sunday, my former roommate decided she wanted to go to RenFest for her birthday. Yippee. So, I went back. We saw some shows, which is always fun. I love the Swordsmen. I never get tired of it, although I could quote it verbatim by now (same is true of Princess Bride, but I watch it anyway!). By the second day, the festival lost some of it's allure. I just wanted to be where the air conditioning was. Bright, sunny, hot days and red hair aren't usually a good combination. I have the sunburn to prove it!

That was my weekend, as if you wanted to know.

Random post.

While walking through the dorms last night to get to my apartment, I happened to notice one of the girls had written on her message board "I love being belligerent".

Let the roommate wars begin!

I'm sure some of you have seen these forwarded before with the heading "in case you're not feeling old already" or some such nonesense, but here is the original, the Beloit College annual mind set list.

I'm going to experiment a little. I added the "all text copyrighted 2004" line in my header to leave me free to post my attempts at poetry or prose. I don't know if I'll actually subject you to that, but I wanted to know the opportunity was there in case I really felt the need. But since I mentioned it, maybe I should post one poem tonite. So, here goes:

Winter

Oh glorious night

cool wind whipping through my hair

the chill takes my breath away

it's almost enough to make me forget

images of love

unrequited emotion

boddhisatva hidden behind the snow

It's one of my favorites, but no one gets it. The boddhisatva thing throws them off.

I promise I won't do this to you often!

One of the advantages of working and living in the same place is that I can go home and take a nap at lunch. I don't know why I couldn't sleep last night, but at 2 a.m. I decided it wasn't worth even trying to sleep anymore and started cleaning.

It has been a fairly hectic week here. School started yesterday. Everyone has been back in the dorms for almost a week now, so I'm getting used to all the people. Last thursday, one of the students decided to set some votive candles on a piece of paper on top of a wooden bookshelf, light them, then leave. The fire department wasn't very happy, neither were the students, faculty and staff who were evacuated from the building.

Saturday night the dorm went bowling. It was fun, but I think my highest score was a 75. Object lesson #1 why I should not be allowed out in public: I thought it would be a good idea to play air guitar to Welcome to the Jungle in the middle of the lane since I was making a fool of myself with my bowling skills anyway.

And to prove how big a nerd I am: I was watching the Video Music Awards with some students in the lounge Sunday night. As the show starts with J.Lo sashaying on stage, the students become quiet with anticipation, but I blurt out "hey! is that a Chihuly?", referring to the huge glass sculpture in the middle of the stage. Yeah. I think I 'm getting to old for the VMA's!

Again, check out kaddish and you can't blow up a social relationship. I didn't do them justice earlier. They are both well worth your time.

I was up at 2 a.m. cleaning my apartment.

Needless to say, this won't be an interesting or particularly coherent post, but I felt the need to mention the two new links I added. Kaddish is a blog a stumbled I across when looking for a website to link to my last post. She is a fellow Jew and I believe a fellow redhead, so I took to her site immediately! It's also a great contrast to all the male dominated blogs I'm linked to. The other new blog is You Can't Blow Up a Social Relationship. This has become a staple for me. I check it regularly, usually in the middle of the afternoon when I've done as much work as I'm willing to do for one day and need to be entertained. It's a fun and interesting blog, so check it out and let him know what you think!

My father died two years ago today. It's strange, because today is just another day. I went to the orthodontist to get my ties changed. We're still orienting at the college so there are people everywhere looking lost and confused. I'm not really sure how I should react. It's been a difficult couple of years trying to deal with the unresolved issues, because, if truth be known, I lost my father long before he died. But today it all seems okay. I'm a little less social than usual, and a little more reflective, but life is good. It's strange when someone dies; the world just seems so garish and life becomes pointless and we start to reevaluate our beliefs and dreams. At least I do. I don't deal well with death and it's taken me the past two years to fully comprehend what this means and how it impacts my life. Everything I've done lately, from getting braces, to taking up guitar again, to changing my focus of study is because I don't want to end up like my father: alone, afraid and hopeless.

I think I will go to Temple tomorrow and say kaddish.

My 15 year high school is quickly approaching. I got an email today from one of my orchestra buddies asking if my two best friends and I were planning to attend. This is starting to become a source of amusement rather than a reminder of how old I've gotten. I think the idea of a 15 year reunion is silly anyway. What amuses me the most is the flurry of emails asking "are you going? I'm not going if you're not going". As you can see, we're all looking forward to the event!

Today is move in day for the dorms. There is so much activity and excitement. I love this time of year! That only lasts a day, then all the students are in the library asking me dumb questions, like how to read a call number. I quickly get over the rush that comes with the beginning of a new school year, but for today it's all very exciting!

It seems the new cable is doing it's job. I've been entertained enough to spare you my nonsense, but I felt the need to write something since it has been awhile.
I've been staying up too late the past week watching gymnastics. Then I get distracted by all the cool channels. I'm very much enjoying the DIY shows on BBC America. This is my life. Sad, isn't it.
My plan to attend Antioch this fall isn't going so well. I can't get financial aid, and I'm not applying for loans, so it's on hold. I had a discussion with my best friend over the weekend about my educational goals. I'm still going to defer entrance to Antioch for a year, but in the meantime I'm taking up French again to see if I might want to go that direction instead. It's so difficult when you don't know what you want to do when you grow up!

I don't really have anything to say, but I'm bored and thought I'd post something that doesn't make me sound like a raving lunatic . I'm not sure I can pull that off since I am a raving lunatic, but I can try.
This has been the longest week of my life. I woke up this morning positive it was saturday, but no, it's only thursday and I still have another day to work this week. I love being on an academic schedule. It's nice and quiet in the summer and I can get caught up on projects I've post-poned for 10 months. However, there comes a point about 2 weeks before school starts that it gets so quiet I can't concentrate on anything. I work in a library, you'd think I'd prefer the quiet, but it's disconcerting. Where have all the people gone?
Today I became another mindless drone. I signed up for digital cable with 2 movies channels and a DVR. I'm not paying rent anymore, so I thought I'd see how the other half lives. I don't know why I did this except I really wanted access to BBC America. I will have no time once the semester starts to even look at a television, much less sit down and watch programs. In the meantime, maybe the cable with save all of you from my inane babbling.

Last week was eventful! I had a couple epiphanies and a few more superficial thoughts. It wasn't exactly a life changing week, but definitely one to shake the foundation a bit.
The conference went surprisingly well. People seemed to enjoy themselves and maybe even learned something useful to take back to their jobs. It's strange though, when you put up adults in a college dorm, they all start acting like 19 year olds. We spent each night in the local bar (because there was only one local bar in this town) playing pool. It was at the bar that I had epiphany #1: women are idiots. We try so hard to impress men who couldn't give a fuck, making complete fools of ourselves. This is only exacerbated by alcohol, which is why I don't drink. I'm perfectly capable of making a fool of myself without chemical assistance. I suppose I should give an example, but I'm sure you've all witnessed this idiotic mating ritual. Women are like peacocks, showing our plumage and making alot of noise until a member of the opposite sex notices us. And then when we're noticed, we don't act like anything that resembles our true personalities. Why is that? My advice for men out there: only date a woman who acts the same around you as she does her friends. She's less likely to turn into a completely different person 6 months down the line.
Okay, enough of that crap.
The other major development of the week was an overwhelming desire to start playing music again. There was a time in my life when I had to make a choice, music or responsibility, so I sold my bass and convinced myself I would be content to listen to other people's music. I chose security, a steady paycheck and benefits. But my heart has always been with music. This weekend after hanging out with a few musicians, I decided it was time to return to my one true love (to stick with a theme). I dug out my dad's old guitar, the only item I have of his after his passing, and fixed it. I'll never be the rock star my dad intended me to be, but I don't really care about that anymore. I just want to play.
I said earlier it wasn't a life changing week, but in some ways maybe it was.

I'm getting ready to head out of town for a conference. It's a fun and exciting library conference. I'm sure you're all jealous! I'm just wasting time now. I needed to get online to balance my check book, so I broke into my office. Well, I guess it's not breaking and entering if I have a key. One of the many advantages to working and living in the same building. Don't get me wrong, there are many disadvantages as well, but it's been a decent experience so far. As I was saying, I'm here and need to waste some time, so I thought I would bore my 3 readers with my inane babbling.

Before I get to make my trek out of town, I'm visiting the fair village of Yellow Springs this evening. Yellow Springs is actually very cool place. It's home of Antioch College, which is not nearly as wild and crazy as it used to be, but still a haven for the socially challenged (yes, I will be attending weekend college there in the fall to continue my endless quest for a college degree). It's also a town devoid of any chain. There are no chain restaurants, not even a McDonalds. No department store, not even a chain grocery store. An entire town filled with mom and pop shops that carry strange and exotic and sometimes necessary items. It reminds me of Broadripple outside Indianapolis, but less urban. And the trip there from Dayton, although a mere 45 mins., feels like a day trip since it takes me completely out of my element. There are also great hiking trails, campgrounds and fishing holes for the outdoor type.

Well, my time is up. I will continue to chronicle my less than note-worthy escapades next week, hopefully including a review of the Curiouso tour!

The Tour de France is over.  Lance won his sixth.  Harry is safe from Voldemort until I read book 5 over Christmas break.  I don't know what to do with myself now.  I had gotten used to watching tour highlights every night after work.  I'm going to miss Bob Roll.

I have plenty to keep me occupied until school resumes, however.  Rabbi suggested several books for me to read.  Right now I'm working on One God Clapping about a Zen Buddhist turned Conservative Rabbi.  It's been an educational read for me, but will probably hold no interest to anyone not of the Jewish Buddhist persuation.  Next I'll be reading Let the Earth Teach You Torah, from what I've read it looks like it teaches the Bible from a Shamanistic perspective and should be interesting.  After that will be Stalking Elijah, which is by the same author who wrote Jew in the Lotus, so it's another JewBu book.  And finally a book called  Ordinary Magic.  I don't know much about it, but I'm looking forward to reading it, especially since Rabbi says the book scares him alittle.  That should last me a couple weeks.  There you have it, my exciting reading line-up.  I'm sure you wanted to know.

Bonjour!

Aujourd'hui nous commémorons la prise de la Bastille avec les mots français nous utilisons en anglais.

Sorry, wrong language!

Today we celebrate Bastille Day with French words commonly used in English:

restaurant, ballet, crayon, espionage, etiquette, menu, omelette, sachet, souvenir, tranquil, umpire...

I do a word of the day (which has become the word of the week now that school is out) for the students. It started as a joke with one of my student employees after I accused him of talking in double entendres and he didn't know what I was saying. So everyday he would bug me for a new word of the day. I thought today I would share with the blog to educate all those freedom fries people that alot more than our food names will have to change to eliminate French from our language.

a bientôt

I've become a bit nihilistic lately. I don't really know what caused it. I'm normally oblivious to the philosophical, or at least ignorant enough not to give it much thought. But these days I seem to be thinking of nothing else but the meaning of life and finding no answers. Probably why the most challenging thing I can do with my mind is watch the Tour de France, I'm wasting all this mental energy trying to answer impossible questions. It's disturbing to me. I am supposed to talk to the Rabbi tomorrow for the spirituality class I've been taking, so maybe I'll take this up with him. The problem is Jews tend not to give answers. The official line is we don't know the answers so why pretend. As much as I appreciate the realistic attitude, it's not very comforting. It's too bad I'm such a bloody awful poet (thanks Spike), because this is good material in the proper hands.

Every year for the fourth, we have a local festival that includes musical entertainment before the fireworks display. For the past several years the same oldies cover band has played and they are really not very good, but this year they changed their lineup. Gone is the drummer, to be replaced by a drum machine (which was badly programmed) and the guitarist was replaced by a 14 year old kid who would give Jimi Hendrix a run for his money. He was phenomenal! The band still sucked per usual, but this kid made it worth watching. We were taking bets on how long he would stay with this band before moving on to a real band. This kid has real potential. It's kind of cool to see someone like that during his formative years.

I have braces. I've had them now for a week. Last week was awful, the pain, the discomfort! I'm getting used to them, though. It's bad enough I already look 12, now people will believe I'm still a kid when they see the braces. It's not all bad, I guess. I could be one of those kids from 90210, playing a teen in my 30's.

I purchased several new CD's in the past couple weeks. I got the Jet CD which is okay, but it is just a regurgitation of other people's music. They have a very 70's feel, Rolling Stones, Deep Purple and one song that sounds like a Grateful Dead cover, but it's not. I also bought the newest Blink 182 disc. As much as this will make me sound like a poseur, I really like it. It's still a punk-pop album, but it's well orchestrated. Then there is the classic Weezer CD that I should've bought a decade ago. I also bought the new Sarah McLaughlin and Scarlet's Walk by Tori Amos, but I haven't listened to those yet. I've been thinking about adding some 60's music to my collection. I've been irrationally opposed to buying music that was made before I was born, but I'm thinking it's time to lift that ban. I want to add some Beatles, Janis Joplin, and Simon & Garfunkel for starters.

I had planned to do alot of reading once school was done for the summer, but I haven't managed to read anything more intellectual than the Harry Potter series. I'm supposed to be reading books on Judaism for the class I'm taking at Temple, but I can't bring myself to do it any more than I can bring myself to read an actual literary work. Maybe once I've finished the series, I'll be in a reading sort of mood. Right now, it's Harry and Lance (Tour de France). I don't have the brain power for much else.

I went to a Hindu Temple on Sun. It was a very interesting experience. They cleaned the idol of a god who's name I can't pronounce, but was told it was the same as Vishnu just under a different name (not an avatar, more an alias, of sorts). Being of a religion that frowns on idol worship, this was a whole new world for me, (I'm not wholly unfamiliar with idols. Any real Jew would be aghast if they saw my Buddha shrine, but I don't actually worship the Buddhas.) but I am completely fascinated by Hinduism. The basic concept of the religion is the same as any western tradition, they just have more deities to teach the same moral lessons. It's very cultural. The Dalai Lama says one should always practice the religion of their culture, a statement I didn't fully comprehend until now. I don't think a westerner could ever truly understand Hinduism. Anyway, the whole service was in Sanskrit. It was cool to listen to, but made it impossible to actually understand what was happening. If you've never seen this service, it is worth checking out. They pour water over the idol, followed by milk, buttermilk, yogurt, honey and orange juice. Then they clean all that off, block the idol from view and dress it. It's a bit of a shock for the more fundamentalist practitioner out there, but a cool experience for the open minded!

In case you've been living under a rock, this is an election year. If you're not aware, there is a new coalition called November 2 whose mission is to remind everyone to vote. It's non-partisan, which is the only reason I mention it here (I'm already sick of campaign season and it's not even in full swing yet). You can read about it on AlterNet. Whether we like the choices or not, we have to make a decision about the future of our country on Nov. 2, so please vote!

Learn about the administration's proposal to drill for oil in Otero Mesa. You can send an email to your congressperson to oppose this plan.

I think I'm officially open for business. Before yesterday I had no experience with html, so I had fun learning how to post links. I will add more links as this blog continues to unfold, but so far I am happy with what I've done.

This past month has been such a whirlwind. The semester from hell finally came to an end. I went to the Slayage Conference on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which was one of the best experiences of my academic life. I moved into the dorms as a supervisor (so at least I have a sweet apartment: 2 bed/2 bath, rent-free, all utilities included). Now that the whirlwind seems to be slowing down, I finally feel like I have time to breathe again. Maybe I'll even find time to read a book.

Well, I finally got around to doing something with this blog. I like it better than myspace. I have more freedom to customize. I still have to question my motivation in doing this since I know it doesn't actually get read, but it keeps me entertained. With any luck, it will keep the occasional reader entertained as well.